It started to feel real tonight

I always wonder if you feel the same

lmao

 I'm really glad that things are going the way they are going, but holy shit I'm so distracted. You slipped your way into my thoughts and every time I start to focus on one thing, you dance around it and I remember the hours we spent together. And suddenly that's all I want to think about. There's so much to do, but my brain doesn't care anymore.

I mean, I care. I want to get things done and be able to focus on them without the struggle of thinking about kissing you. I want to be able to work on this stupid fucking project without stopping to daydream about how closely you held me. I'm begging my mind to think about jujubes instead of how little I felt like I needed anything else in those moments.

It feels weird to feel these things so intensely again. I'm having a really hard time just enjoying it instead of feeling guilty for being so into you. I think about the mistakes I made in my past and I'm so averse to repeating them that I can't stop thinking of ways to invalidate my own feelings. I just think way too much.

But it felt good to see those feelings reflected in your eyes. It felt good to know you didn't want to me to leave when I didn't want to leave either. I want to feel those feelings with you. I want to share that pain with you and then feel the way I felt two nights ago over and over again. I'm a little obsessed with you and I want that to be okay.

I kind of hate that I know what it's like to kiss you now. I'm tortured. Not sure if I'll survive this one.