A letter for Annie

Darling,
No one has to make you feel so sad
You are so beautiful
And so incredibly rad

You deserve what you work towards
You deserve all the best
Don’t subject yourself to those
Who make you feel any less

It is okay to be open
And okay to be soft
It’s okay to yield your heart
As long as it isn’t lost

You can always reclaim it
And feel the need to exclaim that
You were hurt, you were wronged
But in their life, they’ll just move on

And you will too
You’ll heal and you’ll grow
And the beauty you’ve yet to see
You’ll never fully know

Don’t yet, give up
For everyone knows
when the going gets tough
The tough tend to go

To a place where it’s smooth
Where voices don’t yell
About the things that you lack,
And how short that you fell

A reminder for me
In future heartbreak
That I am so worthy
Love,
Annie, from today

well

Here I am in a new place. I'm in a new room, it's all my own, the rent is cheap, and it's in a quieter area than before. The house is kind of old and dingy and I share the space with two dudes so it's not really well kept right now. I've been spending a lot of time shopping for things to make it nicer and easier to live in, and I really should avoid spending all of my money but making this place feel like a home is really the only thing keeping me going. I've been sleeping until 1 in the afternoon, which is normally something I'd hate, but here I am.

I don't want to be awake while I'm alone with myself. All that runs through my head is "maybe he'll change his mind," despite knowing that he probably won't. He missed me the first couple of days but he'll adjust and be happier without me, and that pains me to my core. I loved him unlike I've loved anyone else. I don't know if he couldn't see it or if he didn't want it. I don't know anything, and that uncertainty makes it all feel so much worse. I'm not excited or ambitious because I'm not confident. I'm not confident because I know nothing anymore. Not to say my reality was based around him, but loving someone like that has to become a huge part of you. There's no way it can't, and here I am.

I dreamed of him last night. I don't remember the narrative, or the context. But I remember his body. I remember his arms and his elbows and his warm skin. I remember his hair and running my fingers through it. I remember his stupid beautiful eyes and how much I'd love to stare into them right now. I remember his voice, how I felt it in my chest when he spoke to me. I remember his embrace and the way he looked at me when he fucked me. But now I'm awake, and here I am.

The only way I can describe how I feel is hurt. I feel so much pain that starts in my head and runs to my chest, like spilled kerosene falling into a lit lamp. I can't think, sometimes it feels like I can't breathe. I don't want to be alone. I want to be with you, I want to be wrapped in your arms and covered by your love and never have to fear feeling what I feel right now.

But here I am.