Valentino

So I was riding my horse just last week and my trainer was talking to me about what he needed. Valentino has a tendency to bolt, or just push himself a little too hard when he doesn't need to. He's a very uptight horse and he doesn't have much of a head (but I still love him ok). It's not the most convenient thing at all, but he does run fast and that's a plus. However, if I can't control him, he's gonna sour pretty quickly.

While walking for a moment, my trainer Christian told me about Valentino. I received my horse from the stables I take the lessons at, so they were the ones who trained him. She told me that when they first started working with him, they couldn't get him to move. No matter what they tried, he was just a slowpoke, which baffled me. I cannot imagine my horse being slow. They sent him to a trainer because they were just having too much trouble with him and they had a business to run.

The two men training Valentino were supposed to keep him after they'd worked with him, but they sent him back after a while. Why? Well, to get him to go, they'd pushed him really hard, and focused on getting him to burst out of the gate, because he was trained as a roping horse. Apparently they discovered that my little man runs fast, so instead of rating him (keeping him slow), they rode up on his neck with a short rein, fighting him. So Valentino got used to being ridden like that, with a short rein, always being fought, even though they still wanted him to go fast.

When he came back to the stables, they rode him for a while, but eventually put him up for sale and to pasture. He can't be used as a lesson horse because of how touchy he is now, but there's no reason for the employees to ride him. So I've become his primary rider, and in this past lesson with him, I've learned that he's been to two extremes. Fast and slow. I'm responsible for helping him find the middle ground. And I'm not sure why, but that makes me feel really important. Well I guess I am.

I used to be the one who had trouble finding herself. And now, having to help someone else, even if it is a peabrained little gelding, means the world.

i am so ridiculousy tired.

It's not even funny. This past week has literally felt like a month, waking up at six in the morning to practice music for eight hours a day, everyday. On top of that, I have to read my library books, hang out with friends so they don't think I'm neglecting them, and work out. It's so exhausting, I've gotten about 16 hours of cumulative sleep for the past week, when ideally I probably should have had like 42-48 something like that.

We push SO hard in band, and I don't feel it at the time but it when it hits, it hits hard. I went shopping with my mom today because I'm going back to school in a week. I meant to say hi to a friend because he was working but I didn't the chance because after buying jeans and a new pair of Converse I just really wanted to sit down and do nothing. We went to get lunch at Central Market after that and it was good, but after I'd eaten about half of my macaroni, I felt like I was about to fall asleep. I ate as much as I could after that, finished my tea and had my mom take me home.

I probably should take a nap or something but I've got to go back to band in about two and a half hours and I don't want to waste it. But I seriously cannot wait for marching season to end.

Running.

I decided it'll probably take me a year or two to build myself up to a marathon, so I'm starting to train for a 5k that's in September. It's kinda just like I really don't want to run but I need to be healthier and the money for this is going to a good cause and it'll be worth it when it's over. So the point is I'm starting to run and I don't know if I'm actually going to remain committed to it considering the fact that marching season lasts throughout my training. Then again I really don't march or anything, just sit outside and kind of bake in the sun, so maybe it'll work out, if I'm not too lazy.

I ate like three pieces of cheesecake earlier even though I said I was going vegan and I'm just really pissed off because I'm having a lot of trouble staying dedicated to my goals. My stomach hurts like a bitch and I kinda wanna throw up but if I do I can't go to band tonight. I don't really wanna go to band tonight..but I have to. I just do. Ughhughfhgjdfg

My mom is obsessed with running and any time I tell her about it she always harps on me to get my shit together, which is really annoying, but understandable. She likes running for a reason and wants me to understand why she loves it so much, I guess. And I feel bad whenever I don't follow through with training because she gets so excited about it, but I hate that I even got her hopes up in the first place...anyway, I told her today about the 5k I want to run in McKinney because I just need some sort of motivation. I'll start writing in my planner and making a vision board or some stupid motivational shit like that.

Okay, that's what's on my mind today. Bai guiseeee who never read my blog.

maybe i have said something that was wrong.
it's starting to hit me.
that you lied.
that you lied for so long.
"i would cry for days knowing what i had lost"
but i walked away
and you didn't even care.
like you'd never even known me.
i want to cry
but i can't make myself.
i don't know
why.
have i already cried enough?
or is there something i'm missing?
maybe i should
stop searching
for reasons to shed another tear.
but i'm never going to feel okay again.