I've been feeling very uncertain lately. I don't think that this is a feeling unique to me by any means, and I'll admit that I blame the pandemic for the change in mood. I don't hate staying home all day, but instead the eerie feeling of going out. I shoulder the burden of guilt before I leave my house, and my anxieties trail and nip ankles with every step. And like everyone else, I get bored of it.
As of recently I've been thinking a lot about the implications of what's happening. It's hard to keep thinking about it from a societal perspective; it often leaves me experiencing feeling inspired and powerless at the same time. So I bring it down and think about what I can do, focus on me. I can finish school and work in fields that I'm interested in or passionate about. And there's a notable freedom in not having plans, not tying myself to anything, knowing that there's an end to everything. But I still feel shackled to this feeling of needing a purpose or reason to keep going and that's what has been upsetting me lately.
I think about Simon a lot and I don't know why. I want to talk to him again but I can't bring myself to text him because I have no reason to. It feels wrong to casually approach the conversation with no purpose. I know if I talk to him again he will drag me down again. I love him and admire him so much, but he has so much hurt inside of him that just leaks out and stains me. I wish it didn't.
I want to do nothing. After I graduate I plan to have no plans. I've acted with ambition in mind for the past three years and I'm tired. I guess some people can work hard for a longer period of time, but I'm tired. I want to lay in my bed until I'm hungry enough to get up. I want to fill my belly with delicious food and drink, and lay under a tree in the hot summer and watch its leaves trace the breeze that blows through it until I don't want to anymore. I want to experience art and the community that it creates. I want to feel the strands of someone else's reality intertwine into mine. I want to weep and shed the feelings that have hung like weights from every inch of my skin.
And at the same time I don't want to just quit what I'm doing. I know before this period of my life I felt incapable of finishing anything, and I hate to think of feeling like that again. So I want to finish my degree, and perhaps set a few goals for the next few years. But I have to stop fantasizing about what my life will look like to the point of it manifesting itself into a plan I didn't realize I'd made. I need to surrender to the day to day and accept where I have ended up. Every day has felt like a grind and I need to forget this feeling for a while.
I know I'm probably experiencing some amount of depression and I'm trying to keep that in mind when I have thoughts that trouble me. I know I want to let go of something big, and in time I'm sure I'll see what that is.
