Some days, you just feel like shit, and that's okay. I think it's normal to have those days, because without them you wouldn't really notice the good ones. If someone else told me that, I would be irritated at how corny the sentiment is, but when you come around to that idea yourself it makes a lot more sense.

And sometimes you have a great night but then you wake up hungover as all hell because you told yourself you were done drinking, but then someone bought you a shot of tequila. You'd never actually done one before, so why not get that experience out of the way? Either way you're hungover and maybe nauseous or maybe just anxious, you can't really tell. You crawl out of bed and hang out in a hot shower for too long, then sit around thinking about how you don't really have any breakfast food in the house.

So you go to get breakfast, still feeling kind of gross but knowing that eating food will more than likely make things a lot better. You apologize for showing up 30 minutes before the restaurant closes and eat your sandwich as quickly as you can (which isn't very quickly at all) so you're not there past close. It's good.

As you were waiting on your food, reading the book you've had for a couple of months now, you decide that you need another book to act as the finish line for the one you're currently reading. You're so close! You can't wait to start something new.

You walk to the bookstore from the restaurant because it's nice outside. As you're walking the nausea creeps back up and your sinuses pulse with tension and you wonder if you'll have to struggle back to your car, vomiting all the way there. Why do these anxieties of being sick constantly creep back in? You walk past a girl talking to someone in a car and apologize for walking in between them and she says "oh you're fine!"

And in the subsequent moment you're flooded with the sweetness of knowing yourself. You think, "I shouldn't apologize for taking up space," and immediately think, "but I feel so comfortable being small." In that moment you want to cry. You spend so much time thinking and doing and thinking and doing that you can't breathe through the cloud of plans and expectations. Walking down the street with a cool breeze brushing through your unwashed hair, you forget them and remember you and feel okay.

Some days, you feel like shit. Other days, you feel on top of it all. But the gray days in between, with nothing going on and nothing to miss - those days are your favorite.

How can someone not love me after I did so much for them
Fuck your have fun with your new fucking friends that I held you back from
Asshole

two weeks ago i felt like everything was all together
i felt inspired, rested, loved
now i feel like i'm going somewhere but i feel like
the people i want to take with me are falling off of the train
as it runs down the track

i love you and i
desperately need you to be there for me
like i am for you

two weeks ago you said you were feeling great and now
you say you don't feel anything when i tell you i love you
do you know how that hurts to hear? are you aware or
are you caught up in what you're caught up in?

i'm not mad
i'm not resentful
i know that you're struggling
and i don't want to add to that

but i need something too and
i don't know if it's too much to ask
or if i'm being selfish

i just feel ugly
and flabby and boring
and i want to run away from it all
and forget that
connecting with people feels good

i like being alone
i don't hurt me any
more than anyone else does

idk

we're fated to to REFLECT dununununununu

This time last year I'd just started out at Alamo and wasn't making very much money at all, taking whatever classes at whatever college for the fuck of it. This time two years ago, I was delivering pizzas and making decent money, but surrounded by a vacuum of ambition and slowly packing on pizza pounds. This time three years ago, I was drowning in anxiety and just wanted to stop everything despite doing the job I'd worked so hard towards. Now, I'm still at the theater, serving up greasy food to greasy people. Money has gotten better (still not great), living situation is the best it's ever been, and I just got back from my trip to Colorado with Simon.

Speaking of Simon: I feel like our relationship has been rocky and questionable sometimes, especially during the holidays last year when we weren't talking. Occasionally, when either one of us was at an emotional low, I've seriously questioned the validity of the relationship, and that's been so scary. How do you know when enough is enough? How do you know when to call it? But over the last couple of months, I've felt the slow climb of improvement on both ends. Our trip was one of my favorite experiences travelling that I've ever had, and even after spending a week solely with him, I still miss him now that he's at work and I'm at home.

Currently, I'm sitting on my couch before work, watching grav3yardgirl videos on YouTube and job searching "Horticulture" to see where I could possibly end up after I finish up this associate's program at NCTC. Indeed's search results are overwhelmingly cannabis heavy, and despite my minute interest in those jobs, an inkling of curiosity is growing into an inclination. Many of these positions are located in states near universities I'm interested in, and pay relatively well for the areas they're in. It's important to me to put myself in a position where I not only will be working in my field, but also somewhere where I'm comfortable and where I can springboard myself back into school whenever I'm ready for it.

Overall, there's much to think about, without a doubt. It's hard for me not to get ahead of myself and plan grandiose adventures or plans before it's even remotely possible to carry them out, but I just got back from vacation and after 24 hours at home, I'm already itching to move on again. For now, I plan to stay at Alamo and finish out school and an internship, and continue obsessively researching as I go.