It's not that I don't like you, it's just I don't want you around.

Yea, yea. That's what I think everyone wants to say to me.

I love you, Brother.

Crazy how the person who shattered my heart into a million pieces and sent me into a spiraling depression is the one who I call Brother. At least, now, I guess. He went from friend, to lover, to ex, to friend, to best friend, and finally to brother. And I'm hoping this time he'll stay for good.

Because I do love him. He means a lot to me, and we've seen a lot together. We've learned from each other. We pick each other up when we're down. We laugh. We cry. We've fought. And maybe I sometimes wish we were together again, but it's just me hating being single. If I had to choose between having him as a boyfriend for a short spell or having him as a brother forever, it would definitely be the latter.

I don't really know what I'd do without him. He's my voice of reason. My upper. My best friend. My better.

My brother.


Go on with bravery and love.

20 things that annoy me? This should be easy.

1} Bad grammar.
2} Stupid people.
3} Animal cruelty.
4} Last names that are impossible to pronounce.
5} Disney.
6} Songs that repeat the same line over and over.
7} Twitards.
8} PETA.
9} People who think they're good at everything.
10} Violence.
11} Bugs.
12} Bad actors.
13} Followers.
14} Girls who like my sloppy seconds.
15} Boys who say one thing and do the complete opposite.
16} Myself, often.
17} Teachers who think they know everything.
18} People who are afraid of diversity.
19} When I make mistakes.
20} The lack of love in this world.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I'll write it later.

I just really want

someone that will touch me.

I don't mean anything inappropriate, well, not at the moment. But I just need someone to touch me. To make me feel like I matter. I know I do, but I want to feel it. A hug. A kiss. Anything. I want to feel.

I haven't felt. I haven't felt in forever. I need to feel. I'll do whatever it takes to feel, because if I don't I'm not really sure what I'll do. And I know if I fall in love again, I'll come crashing down. I don't know if I could handle the pain. But the fall.

The fall is so damn sweet.

Dear Brother,

Times change, as they say. And brother, we've certainly seen our share of change, haven't we? Lucky for me, you've been a constant in my life. These past months, you've been a steady source of friendship, support, and laughter...and although I might not say it enough, that means a lot to me. You mean a lot to me.

And that will never change.

Annie

Go on with bravery and love.

You know what's crazy?

I looked in the mirror today and thought I was pretty.

List 10 things you usually do on a rainy day. Pick one from your list and freewrite for 5 minutes.

1} Listen to music.
2} Write letters.
3} Sleep.
4} Watch TV.
5} Make lists(like so)
6} Talk on the phone.
7} Eat more than I should.
8} Take a bath.
9} Go insane, throw some glitter,
10} Make it rain.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

My pale fingers lightly danced across the numbers. I lifted the phone to my ear and listened to what seemed like hours of ringing. At last I heard the voice I had been longing to hear for weeks.

"Hello?"
"Hey, Ben," I said, half whispering because I wasn't supposed to be awake.
"Hey Annie. What's up?" Ben replied, rather loudly.
"Nothing much," I answered. "Breaking curfew."
There was an awkward silence. I didn't understand why until I realized that he couldn't have seen the air quotes I made.
"Okay..." Ben mumbled, then brightened. "How was your rainy day?"
"Pretty good, I guess. Listened to music and slept."
"Good deal. What music?"
"Goo Goo Dolls," I replied.
"Beast," he half laughed. "I like them. What's your favorite song by them?"
"Iris."
"Iris is cool. I like Name, too," he added.

Our conversation dragged out for hours, dipping in and out of deep subjects, occasionally cracking stupid jokes, and at about four in the morning, he yawned. I did the same. I didn't want to hang up.

"I..." I mumbled.
"Goodnight Annie," Ben said warmly.
"Ah, goodnight," I replied.

I slept well that night.

Thank you.

For being there.
Even though
I screwed up.
Even though
it would be easier to ignore me.

Thanks for
coming back
after you left.

Thanks for
making me smile
and laugh
and realize
life's too short to waste on crank and alcohol
without even saying it.

Thanks for
not giving up on me
when you know you should.

Thanks for
telling me I'm beautiful.
And actually making me believe it.

Thanks for
telling me not to screw up my life.

Thanks for
not letting me grow up alone.
Loving me.
And being a good brother.

Thanks for everything.

Stop lying.

Stop it.

Hmph!

I'm pretty confused right about now. I thought you hated me. I believed you hated me. And to get over you, I ignored you. I hated you. But you're back.

I was head-over-heels in love with you when you left me. I waited and waited for you. I didn't want to let go. But I had to. There comes a time when my fingers fumble, grown weak from gripping so tightly onto you. I gave up.

And now you're back, expecting me to pick up the pieces and love you again. But I can't. Not yet. Last time you said you were coming back, you left me again, for one of my friends. It pissed me off. And you'll probably do it again. Since you're convinced that I'm in love with Travis.

I want to try again, I really do. The only question is: have you learned?