You grow up taught manners and taught your code of ethics and taught your religion. You're taught what to wear, what not to wear, how to say things, how to make friends...you're taught to follow the rules yet taught to stand up for what you believe in. We've been conditioned our whole lives to trust wholly in those who do good for us, and to look down upon those who hurt us. But what happens when the tables turn and the good people become the bad? Who do you turn to when the figure in front of you who represents "everything good in the world" is killing you without a second thought, in the name of "what is right"? Who are you supposed to believe now, when the good in the world has turned to pain and the bad is simply forbidden? How are you expected to stay loyal to the good when all you can wonder is if it is good after all?

You don't. You run to the bad and you soak in all of its immediate pleasures. Uppers, downers, alcohol, self-harm, promiscuity, viciousness, gluttony, depression -- and you feel better. You feel better for running to the evil. But you feel betrayed by the good. How could the good raise you up so high only to break you down over and over again? How are you expected to get back up and try again when all you want is peace? Perhaps the evil does not provide solace, but at least it allows comfort. At least the sensuality of the "evil" allows you to want to continue living instead of the hell called "good".

But no one understands this.
They are scrubbed clean, all good.
They have no recollection of the evil.
All they know is that you are wrong.

i have never prided myself in religious or spiritual beliefs.

i have never felt the presence of something greater than myself calling to me. while i have totally and utterly opened myself up to such forces for them to show themselves, i simply have not encountered them.

i do harbor a certain sense of empathy.

to be in a large crowd of people who share a love for a god or for a purpose, can trigger my emotions, but it is not true to who i am, what i feel, and what i know.

and it leaves me feeling very, very lost, hopeless, and as if i don't belong. not desperate at this point, no. but the day will come when i am lying on the ground clutching my hands together wondering how i got there, and i will cry for someone to be there.

i always feel very, very alone in this world. regardless of how healthy or fulfilling my relationships are, i have always felt very separate from the goings on of life, as if observing others as animals, even. i try to learn people. i try to predict them. in doing this, i may stop them from their intended path and redirect them in a way that yields a better result for them. i don't do it because i am nice, or want to share with my joy with the world. i am not joyous. i am a very somber soul with no ambition but a huge, ambiguous sense of purpose.

but in all of my observations and analyses and theories and postulates and laws i have never once understood myself. perhaps this is a problem others have as well, but it's very troubling and disheartening and i know others perceive it as depression or anger or anxiety but it's simply that all of those things stem from my fear and lack of comprehension of my own emotions and spiritual dynamic.

thoughtsthoughtsthoughts

i feel like a ghost of myself.

do i really exist?

i have abandoned my physical being.

but how long until my presence dissipates?

do ghosts cry?

and in reality i can't even fathom losing you

i know you say it's not breaking up, just a break
but fuck that man. you know i'll be suicidal for weeks, then find someone else to get me out of it and think they're my world when all they do is just exist. you're the only long-term relationship i've had, well i guess actual commitment as opposed to fleeting romance for a month or two...but you know. i don't know. i guess it's harder to have to settle arguments and sometimes scrape up money to do something nice for you, but at the same time, it's comforting to hold you and kiss you every day and to go on little dates and go on big dates and dress up to see you...

i've grown so accustomed to your presence that it has become an integral part of my life. although i despise the monotony, i need structure and routine to keep me sane. my stupid psyche is too fucking fragile to handle anything, no matter how hard i try to man the fuck up. it sucks, to know that a tiny disturbance in our relationship could throw my whole life out of balance. i don't want that distress. i hate that i rely so much on you like i do, but i love you. what am i supposed to do?

and yet i know that i would adjust to your absence. a new routine would fill your space, and slowly you'd become a memory, a mere idea. it's a melancholy thought, to know that something so magnificent, yet so precious, could just be gone like that. and it's painful to know that it is the likely outcome of our love, and i don't know how to deal with that.

there was life before you, and there will be life after you, but it sure as hell is not the life i want.

what

i'm so fucking done
all my parents do is fight
my horse is a piece of shit
i haven't spoken to my boyfriend since i don't fucking know
at this point i'm beyond dejected and just fucking done

what the fuck

like what the fuck

i don't want you anymore, but i want you in my life. and it's only because it's summer, because i'm nostalgic, because stupid ass reasons. i don't need you nor should i want you, but i can't help but remember what was lost because of you. and it makes me mad. i didn't deserve the pain and i don't deserve the stupid shit like this that seeing your name puts me through. i shouldn't have to worry about you.

how can you be so perfect on the surface, yet so wrong?
i don't understand.

listening to avril lavigne tonight has made me reflect a great deal on my life.

I never realized how much my interests and experiences have shaped and defined me as a person. I can't even write anymore...but I feel this way.

i cant even blog my feelings
ive stifled it so long it wont come out

help me help me help me help me help me help me
i dont know what to do
help
i think about dying and i think about where i want to be and i dont want to die
but i sure as hell dont want to live
help me help me
help

who am i

every time i write i block
every day i wake up i dread it
i feel dead

gustav

i love you. i love your messy hair and your big brown eyes. i love your smile and your walk and your style. i love the way you laugh when i tickle you. i love you way you try to cheer me up even when i'm being a buttface. i love they way you writhe and moan when i suck you off. i love you way you go down on me. i love the way you call me beautiful when i don't even try, and make me feel  thousand times better when i already feel amazing. i love you. and i want to make you the happiest person in the world. otay.

meep

i still find it baffling, you know.

we are not made up of memories or materials or attitude but instead what we believe is true and the words repeat to ourselves every day. so every brain is a world in which we live and a world in which we believe is the only one that matters. but then there are seven billion other people, seven billion other worlds coming together and falling apart. seven billion worlds that sometimes may cross paths but never travel the same road forever. and the 1,000,000,000,000,000,000 animals that roam the earth as well.

we All live in the Same world we All come from the Same place but no we don't we are all worlds born from different worlds; this exponential growth means that the worlds are expanding rapidly like the chicken pox on a child.  1,000,000,007,000,000,000 worlds on one planet -- does that not intimate the infinite number of worlds that are in existence?

so what does this mean to us? well, to the rational it means nothing for we are here now and now is all we have so why worry about the worlds around us when we have one of our own? but for the dreamers: This means there are an infinite number of worlds we will never get the chance to explore. we will never discover what wars, what conflicts, or what resources these precious worlds hold because these worlds are never-ending.

until we reach the center of cold quicksilver stars or leave the safety of our precious milky way, we may not even come close to these worlds. but the dreamers, they are the ones who will reach these worlds. they are the ones that will align themselves with them and all thoughts will evanesce as two become one, if only for an instant

i dont want this

I don't want you to go. I know we have another year and that anything could happen between then and now, like we could break up or get married or whatever young couples do when they're in love and one is about to go away, but I don't want you to go. I'm so happy now. I don't want you to leave me like everybody else left me. But you're going to. And I know it. The anticipation is burning at me.

I've become a slave to love and that's okay because you have to. You always make me smile even when I'm sick as fuck or just got out of surgery. You bring me food and flowers and gifts that I wouldn't ask from you in a million years and you put up with me when I'm being rash. You've become not only my love but my best friend and I wouldn't trade that for anything. No matter how attractive the guy or how annoying you may get (even though it's not very often at all), I would never break up with you. You contribute to our relationship and even more importantly, you care. You care a lot and that makes me feel okay even when I hate myself and want to die.

And I can't imagine a world without you. I can't imagine not seeing you in the hallways before class or sitting without you at lunch or riding the bus home alone. I cannot fathom a world in which my fingers do not lace through yours like threads in a precious carpet. I cannot grasp the idea of going to sleep every night without a goodnight and an "I love you". Is it possible to live without you? Because I do not believe it is.

I have lived without you for fourteen years and now that I stumble across you, what makes it so different? I will tell you.  You are the diamond that many mine for but cannot find and that is why you are so precious. You are the cool spring mornings, dew on the grass, so serene. You are the sheets on my bed that lull me to sleep, crisp yet soft. You are my heart and my home.

How do I live without I home?

i want to disappear

i want to not exist

sleepless nights spent pondering the meaning of my existence and wishing i could be someone else.

if i could paint a picture of my insides...

Rain pattering down a coffee shop window and ribbons of cigarette smoke curling and dancing along my vision. An untouched cup of coffee, a dusty bookshelf cut off by the edge of the canvas. But how does one illustrate longing with words alone? That tingling in your arms and legs. The emptiness in your chest. The howl you have to hold back, the haunting of something that could be, but never will, and living with that. It feels so damn lonely, to listen to the constant weeping of your own broken soul.

this is our life. until we draw our final breath.