While I love him and his attitude to bits, I feel that our relationship has become strained and unnatural. My goals at the beginning of ownership have since changed drastically and I no longer feel that Valentino and I are a proper pair.
It is extremely painful to think about. I wish that i could keep him and visit with him whenever I wished but that's not fiscally responsible of me, especially when I'm not even the one taking care of the bills. To put that on my mother seems insensitive and irrational, and totally based in my fear and reluctance towards letting go of my first horse.
I know I've only owned him for about two years now, but I feel as if we are growing farther and farther apart as a result of time and growing distance between my home and the barns I have hopped between.
I know where I want to go with my future but that is also a reminder of the horse that makes me feel tied down due to my lack of genuine experience. I became a more level headed rider through getting to know my horse and he was like a shining diamond at the end of the tunnel when I was going through my major depressive episodes. Holding onto him, however, feels like I am still holding into the past. I no longer feel goal oriented in visiting the barn because I feel like my horse and I are never on the same page.
All of this is honestly so confusing because just a month ago I was relatively content with where I was with him, but now it all seems to have just become one big blur of sweltering summer misery as I try to convince him that I am a competent leader. I am trying very hard to think of this in the sense of the big picture, but the pattern I've observed is typically slight improvement, plateau, and then a plummet. It's a stressful way to live, especially in regards to a horse that if consider more friend than equine. I feel like the responsibility of owning and training a horse interferes with the way that I have come to perceive him, and it is discouraging to me as a horsewoman to see this degenerative pattern over time and feel as if I am solely to blame, when in reality I am just in a period where everything is beginning to change drastically and the presence of my horse seems more of a chore to attend to rather than a passion.
I don't know if I will end up selling him. I want to, but at the same time I really am still very attached to a horse that has no respect for me. I need to be rational in my decision making and compassionate and sensitive towards Valentino as I come to a decision. I feel as if my mind is already made up, but I will give myself time to chew over the thought. I will be strong and handle then process of sale myself, with whatever assistance is necessary, but most importantly I will remember everything that my friend deserves for what he has done for me.
Sometimes life is rough and sometimes life is just a dump. Right now it's verging on dump. But I'll be okay. I'll get there.
