Letter to an old teacher I wrote.

Mrs Rector,

You may or may not remember me. My name is Annie Kittrell and I was a student in your EXCEL classes. I was writing to thank you. Without you as a teacher in my primary education, there would be no one there for me to properly foster my potential. Often, I think back to my younger years, before the pubescent mess we call "middle school". While nostalgia is one of the predominant emotions that I get from recalling such memories, I also have found that as I get older and more learned, my gratification for the opportunities I was given waxes.

I still vividly recall the classroom we were instructed in; the brown carpeting, the panels on the wall, the desks arranged in a large square. I remember learning about challenges, exploration and power, and one of the most prominent things that still sits in my brain is learning about law. From an early age, ever since it was introduced into the curriculum, I have been ever fascinated by the law and its practice, and while I may not become a lawyer, it still enthralls me. I remember playing Rush Hour and reading stories with holes, and laugh because now children divert their attention to iPods and TV shows.

I am left with a longing for the past, for what was once reality but now I can only dream of. I cannot bring back the days before iPods and computers and mediocre music. I cannot bring back the days when children wearing stripes with polka dots or purple on orange was socially acceptable because they are children. Times have changed and it has been a long time since I was in first, second, and third grade. I was always happy then, only the simplest of things upset me and the simplest of things would make me happy again. Now when I cry, it is for reasons deeper than not getting what I want or scraping my knee on the sidewalk. I can't fix these problems with a band-aid or an ice cream cone.

But I can smile back at the memories and here I am. I believe I have come rather far. My grades are high, making straight A's across the board (except for algebra. 89 in that class), and I'm thriving in my musical studies. My extracurricular activities include horseback riding and an avid hobby of writing, and I love what I do. I'll never be able to bring back the past, to live in the memories again, but what are memories? Are they things we have, or things we have lost? Regardless, the least I could do to comfort myself is thank those who set such a solid foundation for my education and life.

So this is my thanks to you. As a teacher you have given me the tools to gain wisdom and knowledge. You have inspired me to learn everything that I can, just for the simple joy of knowing things. Without people like you, the world would be nowhere near where it is today. I thank you so much for your dedication and for everything you have done to help the children of Watauga Elementary and beyond. Too many times teachers go by unnoticed, without thanks, and I cannot stand for one who does such amazing work to leave this world without any acknowledgement. This is my acknowledgement. Thank you, a million times thank you for everything you have done for me. Learning will always be the priority.

Sincerely,
Annie Kittrell

damn the distance

i want to talk to you. But no, I shouldn't. I mean, you led me on. Made me believe you wanted to date me and then totally screwed me over. It's not fair. Everyone does this to me, before they know me, after they know me...it doesn't matter who I am. It's not my fault, it can't be if you did this before you even got to know me any better.

We have everything in common...Mumford and Sons, Elton John, Doctor Who, sour gummy worms, it goes on and ON. We are both writers, both night owls, both damaged people. You are perfect to me and I am perfect to you...we are both perfect. But damn the distance. The one thing that could keep me from you. Damn all of the miles between us and damn the people that can talk you out of me.

What exactly did I do that was so bad? Tell me what I did. Nothing works out for me. Maybe I should probably get my priorities straight and stop worrying about my love life. But I care a whole lot about my grades and my musical studies and I don't think that I put some boy in Indiana over them, just because we were perfect together. Unfortunately, now that I've got a broken heart, it's a little harder to focus on those things.

At some point, I want to be completely happy with someone. And it pisses me off that I went off and dated Zach, because he awoke a part of me I didn't even know existed. Screw Christian, Lowell, Anthony, none of those boys were as close or important to me as Zach was/still is. And I'm not in love with him, don't get me wrong, but I still love him.

I hate that I can say that without cringing or laughing at myself. I hate that he was probably one of the most amazing people I have ever met in my life. I don't think I'm very exposed, if that's the case. God...the fact that he told me our relationship was perfect and that he wouldn't change a thing...why would he say that? That's going to torture me for the longest time.

I hate boys. I hate everything. Okaay. Bye.

I am dumb

dear life,

fuck you.

seriously though. you're going to bring someone this absolutely incredible in my life, and let me talk to him until the wee hours of the morning, and make us have everything in common except our state? why would you do that to me? what sick, twisted, deity is fucking with my life? because i don't know you, you torture me? show me your good, show me the happiness i want and then i will follow you.

doctor who? yes, he likes that. alice in wonderland? he likes it too. mumford and sons? what a coincidence, he likes it too. we have the same sense of humor. we're both atheists. we both stay up waaaaay too late. we both have low self esteem. we both have been treated like crap by the opposite sex.

in addition to have everything to do with me, he's also got a few things i don't. 1) a penis, because, you know, it's hard to copulate on your own, [not really the priority, but yea] 2) the most adorable facial expressions, 3) a TARDIS, 4) he's copious amounts of intelligent, 5) he's clever, 6) he likes me.

so he makes up for everything i'm not, but i still can't date him because of fucking INDIANA. i used LIKE that state. heaven forbid i like someone without getting hurt.

so yea. fuck you, life

so i thought of something

something someone else has probably already put down in words.
on paper.
probably already inked it into society somewhere. but whatever. i don't care. i'm writing this down because i'm a fucking boss. but not really. anyway.

so i've been trying really hard lately to just be happy. and at times it's easier than others. i have high tides in my life, and low tides, and right now i'm trying not to drown in high tide. the current is sucking me in, away from shore, and all i can do is fight it. i swear, it takes the life out of me. it really does. yesterday, after i got out of the bath, i had to lay on the floor for all of five minutes because when i tried to walk, i got dizzy and nauseous.

and i guess that's what life is. you just keep swimming, through the rough waves and the calm ones. sometimes you float, but sometimes you have to chop through the water to save your life. sharks chase you, you're stupid enough to touch a jellyfish and have to piss on it--but other times it's okay. you see the beauty of the ocean. the coral reefs, the dolphins, the turtles, the immensity of the thing.

and maybe it's worth it. because without those storms, without the red tides and the rip currents, these little fish, these immense gray whales and the way the sun bends and refracts through the blue water would be nothing. we wouldn't be able to appreciate, would we? because if that was all we knew, we'd never truly grasp how beautiful and amazing it was.

but what do i know. i'm just one tiny shrimp in the great big ocean.

The invention of the ship
was also the invention of the shipwreck.

fuck.

i don't WANT to be depressed.

but shit's inevitable.

I'd say I was depressed but that would be a lie. I'd say I was happy but that would be a lie too. I'd say I was in love with you, but I don't think I want to be