here i am.

Naiya soared through the air, wind hissing past her wings, her black scales gleaming in the sunlight. She let out a joyous roar. This is what she adored, being in the air. Becoming one with the wind, the clouds, the sun, and the sky, where she always had belonged. The dragoness dove into a flurry of fantastic twists and spins, breaking the clouds apart. Water began to collect on her scales, and as she left the clouds and her performance behind, it dripped off of her. Emerald eyes shone with hunger as they caught the sight of a herd of deer grazing.

Naiya folded her wings against her body and sped down toward them. The air whistled loudly, rattling against her ear drums. Just before she just hit the ground, she made a quick change of direction, sweeping up a doe in her talons as she did so. The deer squealed and kicked in protest against her claws. After losing momentum, she landed near the lake. The dragoness sunk her teeth into the doe's windpipe, then slammed her against the ground to break her spine and paralyze her. She gave herself a moment to catch her breath before she devoured the carcass.

Her belly full of food, Naiya sauntered over to the lake and took several long draughts of water. She lifted her head, droplets falling from her lips and hitting the surface, leaving cascading waves. I won't be able to do this much longer, she thought somberly, glancing over to her den nearby. Inside was a clutch of eggs she had laid a few weeks ago, and they were bound to hatch any day now. The dragoness was excited for her children, but she would miss being young and free...being part of the sky. She shook her head, clearing it of such thoughts. I will show my young the greatness of the sky. Settling down, Naiya began to groom herself.

She was interrupted by a roar. Looking up, Naiya saw that the roar announced the arrival of her mate, Tashrin. A brawny, proud red dragon, Tashrin contrasted well against Naiya's reserved personality. He was an adept hunter and warrior, who never failed to make a scene if it meant he got attention. The two had meant in battle, when their clans were at war. Tashrin had a broken wing, and Naiya had been scouting for dragons to heal. Though he wasn't of her clan, upon meeting him, Naiya healed and fed him. They met in secret for several months, but when light was shone on their affairs, the pair ran away from the territories and eloped.

Now their brood lay hidden in the den, a black egg and a red egg. They were eagerly awaiting the arrival of the hatchlings, but being on edge had sparked an argument. In an effort to save their relationship, they spent a few days apart, and now Tashrin returned to Naiya. He tried to hide his excitement to see her, but failed miserably. Naiya didn't mind. The two dragons embraced each other, which was difficult to do as dragons, but they managed by brushing their cheeks together and holding their chests against each other for a period of time.

"I missed you," Naiya said breathlessly, stepping back. "It was nice to be alone and shake off my nerves, but I missed you so."

Tashrin nodded. "I missed you as well, my love," he replied with a dry smile. "How are the eggs?" The red dragon folded his wings against his body and strode to the den, poking his head inside. As a male, he wasn't permitted to enter except in case of emergency. He sniffed the eggs, checking to make sure they hadn't rotted anywhere. They seemed healthy.

"They are doing well. I have been turning them often, but the shells are thinning and the little ones should arrive any moment," Naiya said softly, sitting down beside him. Tashrin turned to face her, a genuine look of content. His mate chuffed affectionately at him, and he lay beside her, wrapping her in a wing. She brushed his cheek with her own, locking her claws into his. "These are our children, above all," the dragoness whispered. "But know that they are also symbols of our love. For I would not allow any dragon to father my children."

Tashrin chortled, blowing a small puff of smoke at her. "I would not father any hatchlings but the hatchlings of Naiya MacCeilen of the Rain Clan." Naiya smiled, nestling her head into the crook where his head and shoulders met. She had left behind family and prosperity for this dragon, and it was still worth it. It would always be worth it.

As if on cue, one of the two eggs rolled over in the den. The red egg emitted a soft squeak, and both parents lifted their heads to watch. After a great deal of wiggling, a tiny hole appeared on the side of the egg, and the squeaks grew louder. A few minutes later, and the whole had widened into a large crack. With one last thrust, the hatchling broke through its shell. Naiya got to her feet and hurried into the den, careful about the black egg. She licked the newborn clean, then regurgitated some of her food for its first meal.

The little hatchling sniffed the half-digested meat, then took a tiny bit in its mouth. Realizing that it didn't taste all that bad, it ate a little more, and a little more, until eventually it was taking huge gulps of the food. The little red devoured the rest of its meal, then with a yawn, curled up against its mother's bosom.

"Is it a son or a daughter?" Tashrin inquired. Once again he tried to hide his excitement and concern about the new arrival, but he failed to do so. His voice was shaking.

Naiya chortled softly. "He is our new son," she announced, nuzzling the little one. "I had the urge to name him after you, but I have higher expectations than that." Tashrin appeared offended, but Naiya gave him a reassuring smile. "I'm only fooling around. He will be called Ares, dragon of the fight."

Tashrin nodded approvingly. "Seems rather fitting for the son of myself." He spread his wings and poked his head into the den, puffing a ring of smoke at his new son. The hatchling coughed and pawed playfully at his father's snout, squealing when Tashrin pushed him onto his back and nuzzled his belly. Naiya smiled at the two. She was a mother now...a mother. I can't believe it. Suddenly all of her doubts about parenthood had vanished. From this moment on, the dragoness knew she would defend this little one to the death if need be.

The sun dipped below the horizon, putting an end to a brilliant day. Both Naiya and Tashrin were reminded that love could come from even the darkest of circumstances. And that they were glad for.

dreams

Dear Annie,

You are my wish this Christmas. You were the only thing I wanted for Christmas. But sometimes there are two roads, and the one I want to take isn't the one you can follow me. You are beautiful and strong on your own, and you can go down any road without me.

That's what he said in my dream last night. It would make me infinitely happy to hear that from him in real life, but I'll settle for dreams if that's all I can get.

I'm doing this study.

I'm doing this study on what love is, and I can't really decide if it's a good thing or not. I mean, it's a burden, because when you love someone, knowing they're unhappy makes you unhappy, too. but at the same time, when you're both happy, it's the kind of happy you can't get from anything else. is it worth it? sometimes, no. sometimes you dig too deep a hole, and when it starts to rain, and you're trying to climb back up, to reach happiness again, you can't. your fingers slip. and you have to sit back, sit back and get rained on, maybe catch a cold. but once the rain is gone, you can climb out and walk away. and sometimes it is worth the pain. sometimes it's worth getting scratched as you crawl through the brambles and bruise yourself climbing back to love. because when you reach it, it's like nothing else. and even if you have trying times, you can always go back to love. and you can feel it again.

right now i'm trying to pull my way out of the muddy hole, and maybe i should stop. but i really want to feel your hand around mine.

hey, you.

yea you.

why can't i have you?

let go.

you hurt me.
you make me feel like nothing.
you bring tears to my eyes.

and you give me the smiles
the laughs
the memories.

you're beautiful
intelligent
incredible. so
amazing.

losing you
hurts more than you can ever
imagine.
but i didn't lose you.

perhaps the kisses and
the hugs are
gone.
i can't tell you
i love you
anymore.

but i have not lost
you.
you
are still there,
standing right in front of me.
and i don't care who you are in love
with.

because you are my best friend.
i love you, and right
now all that matters is that
you're happy.

because as long as you are happy, i am complete.

my thoughts and feelings at the moment.

I am utterly confused. I don't know what to feel, or if I can feel anymore. Is there any reason for me to feel? What is my point here on this planet, if not to love you? I'm not sure anymore. I'm not sure why I'm here.

I know what I want to do. I know how I should feel and that I should just forget you. You broke my heart and lied to me, why should I still love you? I should be working hard in school, drowning myself in my musical studies and making the best of the time I'm lucky to have with horses. I shouls be making the best of myself and preparing for my future, for the next forty, fifty years of my life.

And I am. I work hard, practice, keep my mind off of you. But I feel so empty. So pointless, and emotionless. Not that I don't love doing what I do, because I do, I most certainly love what I get to do, but I'm always tired. When I am alone, I feel sad. No, not grief-stricken or heartbroken or depressed. Just sad. That's the only thing I feel.

I think to myself, and wonder, "Why am I so sad? I have anything you could ever ask for right in front of me," and I realize, I'm not ungrateful. I don't take for granted the things I have, like food and a warm bed. I eat all of my food and sleep throught the night. I don't argue with my parents nearly as much as I used to. I'm not a brat.

The only reason I'm so sad is because I miss you. I miss your voice and your touch. I miss our laughter, our kisses in the creek. I miss your smell and holding you close when the sun set and the breeze got chilly. I miss it. I miss everything. But you don't. You're fine without me. And it kills me. It fucking kills me.

Why am I always on the short end of this? Why am I the one that has to sit around crying about you? Why don't you fucking care that I feel like I'm dying on the inside and you don't feel like you don't have to do anything about it? I know I'm not your girlfriend anymore, you shouldn't have to be there for me every minute of the day. But I thought I was your friend. I thought we were best friends.

Maybe that's it. Maybe that's why I am so sad. It's because you were my best friend. I can get over losing a boyfriend. That's not a huge deal to me. I can get over not being able to kiss you and hug you....eventually. But not being able to talk to you, or smile around you, or joke with you, it bothers me. You're supposed to be my best friend. Was I not yours? Was the friendship not mutual? I just don't get it at all. I miss you so much and you just brushed me off.

How the hell am I supposed to feel about that?

six billion

At this moment, there are six bllion, four hundred and seventy million, eight hundred and eighteen thousand, six hundred and seventy one people in the world. Some are running scared. Some are coming home. Some tell lies to make it through the day. Others are just not facing the truth. Some are evil men, at war with good. And some are good, struggling with evil. Six billion people in the world, six billion souls. And sometimes, all you need is one.

ohmygod.

i really should stop blogging about him but i just can't. i don't want to bother my friends with more heartbroken speeches but i can't keep all of these words i need to say inside. i was doing pretty well, being happy and not thinking about him, but then the fucking concert comes and he looks fucking gorgeous but all i could do was be fucking heartbroken about how he's not mine.

this is so much different from any other want. other things, i can want them, but it doesn't hurt that i can't have them, because i know if i just wait or if i just work hard to earn them, i can get them. i don't have this terrible, empty, sinking feeling that i get when i know something i really want is highly unlikely to happen.

and it sucks. it sucks so fucking bad and it pisses me the hell off that he doesn't even care what this is doing to me, doesn't even care that every time i close my eyes, every time i am alone in the quiet, my heart aches for him. maybe that should make me hate him, should make me disgusted and appalled with him. but it doesn't. it fucking doesn't.

all i can do is curse and cry and rant and dream about him. i feel so fucking helpless and alone and it's not fair. i know i'm not alone, i know i'm capable and the fact that i can't shake this feeling bothers me to no end. i want him back so bad and i can't have him, and i can't get over him. he's not all i think about, but when i see his face, whether in front of me or in my mind, i become so weak.

why couldn't we keep going? why can't i kiss and hug him? why can't i feel his hands wrapped around mine, his breath against my skin? why can't my soul do what it longs to, to intertwine with his? why doesn't he want me? why, why why...

i'm tired of fucking asking why. why i can't have you, why i'm not good enough, why these questions aren't ever answered. it's pointless now. to ask why. there's no reason, why ask if there is no answer provided? i'm starving though. dying for the answers to the questions that burn holes in my conscious.

and some answers, i don't want to know. i don't want to know the real reason you left me. i don't want to know if you like anyone. i need to stop wondering, because those answers are obvious and wouldn't bother me if i didn't know them instinctively. but i wish that they made me feel differently.

i wish these little things pissed me off. i wish they made me hate you and want to kick you in the balls. but they don't, they just make me want you more. god i'm so fucked up...i can't let go. i try but i just...can't. as soon as i manage to loosen my grip, my muscles tense again. it's not fair. i just want to be normal. and happy. but you filled a part of me that nothing else did.

please. i know you'll never read this but i miss and love you so immensely. if you asked for me again, i would say yes in a heartbeat.

that's what i thought...

you don't understand how much easier it would be for me if i could just hate you.

i want to. i wanna hate you so bad. you're stubborn and rude and a bit dim-witted at times but no matter how hard i try hating you seems impossible. you're still the same beautiful, funny, and sweet guy that i fell in love with two months ago. pffft, two months, it seems so pitiful, i know...but they were an incredible two months. and they really were, it wasn't some infatuation like any of my other relationships. it had depth and meaning and i was really glad i finally found something that made me feel invincible.

yea i know i should feel beautiful and intelligent all on my own and i do. i know what i'm capable of and i'll do anything to achieve it. regardless, i still feel this stupid empty place in my heart knowing that i cannot touch and kiss you like i want. i wish you felt it too. i wish at least you knew how i felt, how truly alone i feel. and perhaps it's just me, being a lonely person and whatnot.

and maybe it's not. maybe you really did complete me. maybe you really were the key to my happiness. maybe your quirky personality and snide remarks were what balanced out my composure. maybe being stupid and laughing and kissing was really all i needed to get out of my shell. i don't know, maybe not.

i still don't want to be without you. it's funny, i can repeat to myself a thousand times that you're being stupid and acting like a whore but i still want to hear your voice. i still want to feel your lips on my nose and your fingers intertwined with mine. i want stand on that bridge again, not alone but with your arms around my waist and the sun shining in my hair. your lips brushing mine, and the corners of our mouths upturned into faint smiles.

maybe not. maybe i'll just have to smile at the memories and move on. but i don't really know how.

fuck you

why.

why do you lie? why can't you just tell me the real reason you don't want me. you were just waiting to like her. you knew you wanted to, you wanted to like her so bad. she's pretty, she's smart, she's funny, and oh hot damn she's fucking ASIAN. throw her in the snow with a short skirt and long socks and you would choose her over me any day.

what hurts even fucking worse is that you know you're not going to get her. you know you don't have a chance in the world. but you threw me away anyway. thanks. that makes me feel beautiful and smart and everything that you said i was. but i'm not. i'm ugly, stupid, and not worth any guy's time. you got pissed at me whenever i said that but you proved me right.


fuck you.