that's what i thought...

you don't understand how much easier it would be for me if i could just hate you.

i want to. i wanna hate you so bad. you're stubborn and rude and a bit dim-witted at times but no matter how hard i try hating you seems impossible. you're still the same beautiful, funny, and sweet guy that i fell in love with two months ago. pffft, two months, it seems so pitiful, i know...but they were an incredible two months. and they really were, it wasn't some infatuation like any of my other relationships. it had depth and meaning and i was really glad i finally found something that made me feel invincible.

yea i know i should feel beautiful and intelligent all on my own and i do. i know what i'm capable of and i'll do anything to achieve it. regardless, i still feel this stupid empty place in my heart knowing that i cannot touch and kiss you like i want. i wish you felt it too. i wish at least you knew how i felt, how truly alone i feel. and perhaps it's just me, being a lonely person and whatnot.

and maybe it's not. maybe you really did complete me. maybe you really were the key to my happiness. maybe your quirky personality and snide remarks were what balanced out my composure. maybe being stupid and laughing and kissing was really all i needed to get out of my shell. i don't know, maybe not.

i still don't want to be without you. it's funny, i can repeat to myself a thousand times that you're being stupid and acting like a whore but i still want to hear your voice. i still want to feel your lips on my nose and your fingers intertwined with mine. i want stand on that bridge again, not alone but with your arms around my waist and the sun shining in my hair. your lips brushing mine, and the corners of our mouths upturned into faint smiles.

maybe not. maybe i'll just have to smile at the memories and move on. but i don't really know how.