I am utterly confused. I don't know what to feel, or if I can feel anymore. Is there any reason for me to feel? What is my point here on this planet, if not to love you? I'm not sure anymore. I'm not sure why I'm here.
I know what I want to do. I know how I should feel and that I should just forget you. You broke my heart and lied to me, why should I still love you? I should be working hard in school, drowning myself in my musical studies and making the best of the time I'm lucky to have with horses. I shouls be making the best of myself and preparing for my future, for the next forty, fifty years of my life.
And I am. I work hard, practice, keep my mind off of you. But I feel so empty. So pointless, and emotionless. Not that I don't love doing what I do, because I do, I most certainly love what I get to do, but I'm always tired. When I am alone, I feel sad. No, not grief-stricken or heartbroken or depressed. Just sad. That's the only thing I feel.
I think to myself, and wonder, "Why am I so sad? I have anything you could ever ask for right in front of me," and I realize, I'm not ungrateful. I don't take for granted the things I have, like food and a warm bed. I eat all of my food and sleep throught the night. I don't argue with my parents nearly as much as I used to. I'm not a brat.
The only reason I'm so sad is because I miss you. I miss your voice and your touch. I miss our laughter, our kisses in the creek. I miss your smell and holding you close when the sun set and the breeze got chilly. I miss it. I miss everything. But you don't. You're fine without me. And it kills me. It fucking kills me.
Why am I always on the short end of this? Why am I the one that has to sit around crying about you? Why don't you fucking care that I feel like I'm dying on the inside and you don't feel like you don't have to do anything about it? I know I'm not your girlfriend anymore, you shouldn't have to be there for me every minute of the day. But I thought I was your friend. I thought we were best friends.
Maybe that's it. Maybe that's why I am so sad. It's because you were my best friend. I can get over losing a boyfriend. That's not a huge deal to me. I can get over not being able to kiss you and hug you....eventually. But not being able to talk to you, or smile around you, or joke with you, it bothers me. You're supposed to be my best friend. Was I not yours? Was the friendship not mutual? I just don't get it at all. I miss you so much and you just brushed me off.
How the hell am I supposed to feel about that?
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