ohmygod.

i really should stop blogging about him but i just can't. i don't want to bother my friends with more heartbroken speeches but i can't keep all of these words i need to say inside. i was doing pretty well, being happy and not thinking about him, but then the fucking concert comes and he looks fucking gorgeous but all i could do was be fucking heartbroken about how he's not mine.

this is so much different from any other want. other things, i can want them, but it doesn't hurt that i can't have them, because i know if i just wait or if i just work hard to earn them, i can get them. i don't have this terrible, empty, sinking feeling that i get when i know something i really want is highly unlikely to happen.

and it sucks. it sucks so fucking bad and it pisses me the hell off that he doesn't even care what this is doing to me, doesn't even care that every time i close my eyes, every time i am alone in the quiet, my heart aches for him. maybe that should make me hate him, should make me disgusted and appalled with him. but it doesn't. it fucking doesn't.

all i can do is curse and cry and rant and dream about him. i feel so fucking helpless and alone and it's not fair. i know i'm not alone, i know i'm capable and the fact that i can't shake this feeling bothers me to no end. i want him back so bad and i can't have him, and i can't get over him. he's not all i think about, but when i see his face, whether in front of me or in my mind, i become so weak.

why couldn't we keep going? why can't i kiss and hug him? why can't i feel his hands wrapped around mine, his breath against my skin? why can't my soul do what it longs to, to intertwine with his? why doesn't he want me? why, why why...

i'm tired of fucking asking why. why i can't have you, why i'm not good enough, why these questions aren't ever answered. it's pointless now. to ask why. there's no reason, why ask if there is no answer provided? i'm starving though. dying for the answers to the questions that burn holes in my conscious.

and some answers, i don't want to know. i don't want to know the real reason you left me. i don't want to know if you like anyone. i need to stop wondering, because those answers are obvious and wouldn't bother me if i didn't know them instinctively. but i wish that they made me feel differently.

i wish these little things pissed me off. i wish they made me hate you and want to kick you in the balls. but they don't, they just make me want you more. god i'm so fucked up...i can't let go. i try but i just...can't. as soon as i manage to loosen my grip, my muscles tense again. it's not fair. i just want to be normal. and happy. but you filled a part of me that nothing else did.

please. i know you'll never read this but i miss and love you so immensely. if you asked for me again, i would say yes in a heartbeat.