you hurt me.
you make me feel like nothing.
you bring tears to my eyes.
and you give me the smiles
the laughs
the memories.
you're beautiful
intelligent
incredible. so
amazing.
losing you
hurts more than you can ever
imagine.
but i didn't lose you.
perhaps the kisses and
the hugs are
gone.
i can't tell you
i love you
anymore.
but i have not lost
you.
you
are still there,
standing right in front of me.
and i don't care who you are in love
with.
because you are my best friend.
i love you, and right
now all that matters is that
you're happy.
because as long as you are happy, i am complete.
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
Monday, December 12, 2011
my thoughts and feelings at the moment.
I am utterly confused. I don't know what to feel, or if I can feel anymore. Is there any reason for me to feel? What is my point here on this planet, if not to love you? I'm not sure anymore. I'm not sure why I'm here.
I know what I want to do. I know how I should feel and that I should just forget you. You broke my heart and lied to me, why should I still love you? I should be working hard in school, drowning myself in my musical studies and making the best of the time I'm lucky to have with horses. I shouls be making the best of myself and preparing for my future, for the next forty, fifty years of my life.
And I am. I work hard, practice, keep my mind off of you. But I feel so empty. So pointless, and emotionless. Not that I don't love doing what I do, because I do, I most certainly love what I get to do, but I'm always tired. When I am alone, I feel sad. No, not grief-stricken or heartbroken or depressed. Just sad. That's the only thing I feel.
I think to myself, and wonder, "Why am I so sad? I have anything you could ever ask for right in front of me," and I realize, I'm not ungrateful. I don't take for granted the things I have, like food and a warm bed. I eat all of my food and sleep throught the night. I don't argue with my parents nearly as much as I used to. I'm not a brat.
The only reason I'm so sad is because I miss you. I miss your voice and your touch. I miss our laughter, our kisses in the creek. I miss your smell and holding you close when the sun set and the breeze got chilly. I miss it. I miss everything. But you don't. You're fine without me. And it kills me. It fucking kills me.
Why am I always on the short end of this? Why am I the one that has to sit around crying about you? Why don't you fucking care that I feel like I'm dying on the inside and you don't feel like you don't have to do anything about it? I know I'm not your girlfriend anymore, you shouldn't have to be there for me every minute of the day. But I thought I was your friend. I thought we were best friends.
Maybe that's it. Maybe that's why I am so sad. It's because you were my best friend. I can get over losing a boyfriend. That's not a huge deal to me. I can get over not being able to kiss you and hug you....eventually. But not being able to talk to you, or smile around you, or joke with you, it bothers me. You're supposed to be my best friend. Was I not yours? Was the friendship not mutual? I just don't get it at all. I miss you so much and you just brushed me off.
How the hell am I supposed to feel about that?
I know what I want to do. I know how I should feel and that I should just forget you. You broke my heart and lied to me, why should I still love you? I should be working hard in school, drowning myself in my musical studies and making the best of the time I'm lucky to have with horses. I shouls be making the best of myself and preparing for my future, for the next forty, fifty years of my life.
And I am. I work hard, practice, keep my mind off of you. But I feel so empty. So pointless, and emotionless. Not that I don't love doing what I do, because I do, I most certainly love what I get to do, but I'm always tired. When I am alone, I feel sad. No, not grief-stricken or heartbroken or depressed. Just sad. That's the only thing I feel.
I think to myself, and wonder, "Why am I so sad? I have anything you could ever ask for right in front of me," and I realize, I'm not ungrateful. I don't take for granted the things I have, like food and a warm bed. I eat all of my food and sleep throught the night. I don't argue with my parents nearly as much as I used to. I'm not a brat.
The only reason I'm so sad is because I miss you. I miss your voice and your touch. I miss our laughter, our kisses in the creek. I miss your smell and holding you close when the sun set and the breeze got chilly. I miss it. I miss everything. But you don't. You're fine without me. And it kills me. It fucking kills me.
Why am I always on the short end of this? Why am I the one that has to sit around crying about you? Why don't you fucking care that I feel like I'm dying on the inside and you don't feel like you don't have to do anything about it? I know I'm not your girlfriend anymore, you shouldn't have to be there for me every minute of the day. But I thought I was your friend. I thought we were best friends.
Maybe that's it. Maybe that's why I am so sad. It's because you were my best friend. I can get over losing a boyfriend. That's not a huge deal to me. I can get over not being able to kiss you and hug you....eventually. But not being able to talk to you, or smile around you, or joke with you, it bothers me. You're supposed to be my best friend. Was I not yours? Was the friendship not mutual? I just don't get it at all. I miss you so much and you just brushed me off.
How the hell am I supposed to feel about that?
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
six billion
At this moment, there are six bllion, four hundred and seventy million, eight hundred and eighteen thousand, six hundred and seventy one people in the world. Some are running scared. Some are coming home. Some tell lies to make it through the day. Others are just not facing the truth. Some are evil men, at war with good. And some are good, struggling with evil. Six billion people in the world, six billion souls. And sometimes, all you need is one.
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
ohmygod.
i really should stop blogging about him but i just can't. i don't want to bother my friends with more heartbroken speeches but i can't keep all of these words i need to say inside. i was doing pretty well, being happy and not thinking about him, but then the fucking concert comes and he looks fucking gorgeous but all i could do was be fucking heartbroken about how he's not mine.
this is so much different from any other want. other things, i can want them, but it doesn't hurt that i can't have them, because i know if i just wait or if i just work hard to earn them, i can get them. i don't have this terrible, empty, sinking feeling that i get when i know something i really want is highly unlikely to happen.
and it sucks. it sucks so fucking bad and it pisses me the hell off that he doesn't even care what this is doing to me, doesn't even care that every time i close my eyes, every time i am alone in the quiet, my heart aches for him. maybe that should make me hate him, should make me disgusted and appalled with him. but it doesn't. it fucking doesn't.
all i can do is curse and cry and rant and dream about him. i feel so fucking helpless and alone and it's not fair. i know i'm not alone, i know i'm capable and the fact that i can't shake this feeling bothers me to no end. i want him back so bad and i can't have him, and i can't get over him. he's not all i think about, but when i see his face, whether in front of me or in my mind, i become so weak.
why couldn't we keep going? why can't i kiss and hug him? why can't i feel his hands wrapped around mine, his breath against my skin? why can't my soul do what it longs to, to intertwine with his? why doesn't he want me? why, why why...
i'm tired of fucking asking why. why i can't have you, why i'm not good enough, why these questions aren't ever answered. it's pointless now. to ask why. there's no reason, why ask if there is no answer provided? i'm starving though. dying for the answers to the questions that burn holes in my conscious.
and some answers, i don't want to know. i don't want to know the real reason you left me. i don't want to know if you like anyone. i need to stop wondering, because those answers are obvious and wouldn't bother me if i didn't know them instinctively. but i wish that they made me feel differently.
i wish these little things pissed me off. i wish they made me hate you and want to kick you in the balls. but they don't, they just make me want you more. god i'm so fucked up...i can't let go. i try but i just...can't. as soon as i manage to loosen my grip, my muscles tense again. it's not fair. i just want to be normal. and happy. but you filled a part of me that nothing else did.
please. i know you'll never read this but i miss and love you so immensely. if you asked for me again, i would say yes in a heartbeat.
this is so much different from any other want. other things, i can want them, but it doesn't hurt that i can't have them, because i know if i just wait or if i just work hard to earn them, i can get them. i don't have this terrible, empty, sinking feeling that i get when i know something i really want is highly unlikely to happen.
and it sucks. it sucks so fucking bad and it pisses me the hell off that he doesn't even care what this is doing to me, doesn't even care that every time i close my eyes, every time i am alone in the quiet, my heart aches for him. maybe that should make me hate him, should make me disgusted and appalled with him. but it doesn't. it fucking doesn't.
all i can do is curse and cry and rant and dream about him. i feel so fucking helpless and alone and it's not fair. i know i'm not alone, i know i'm capable and the fact that i can't shake this feeling bothers me to no end. i want him back so bad and i can't have him, and i can't get over him. he's not all i think about, but when i see his face, whether in front of me or in my mind, i become so weak.
why couldn't we keep going? why can't i kiss and hug him? why can't i feel his hands wrapped around mine, his breath against my skin? why can't my soul do what it longs to, to intertwine with his? why doesn't he want me? why, why why...
i'm tired of fucking asking why. why i can't have you, why i'm not good enough, why these questions aren't ever answered. it's pointless now. to ask why. there's no reason, why ask if there is no answer provided? i'm starving though. dying for the answers to the questions that burn holes in my conscious.
and some answers, i don't want to know. i don't want to know the real reason you left me. i don't want to know if you like anyone. i need to stop wondering, because those answers are obvious and wouldn't bother me if i didn't know them instinctively. but i wish that they made me feel differently.
i wish these little things pissed me off. i wish they made me hate you and want to kick you in the balls. but they don't, they just make me want you more. god i'm so fucked up...i can't let go. i try but i just...can't. as soon as i manage to loosen my grip, my muscles tense again. it's not fair. i just want to be normal. and happy. but you filled a part of me that nothing else did.
please. i know you'll never read this but i miss and love you so immensely. if you asked for me again, i would say yes in a heartbeat.
Monday, December 5, 2011
that's what i thought...
you don't understand how much easier it would be for me if i could just hate you.
i want to. i wanna hate you so bad. you're stubborn and rude and a bit dim-witted at times but no matter how hard i try hating you seems impossible. you're still the same beautiful, funny, and sweet guy that i fell in love with two months ago. pffft, two months, it seems so pitiful, i know...but they were an incredible two months. and they really were, it wasn't some infatuation like any of my other relationships. it had depth and meaning and i was really glad i finally found something that made me feel invincible.
yea i know i should feel beautiful and intelligent all on my own and i do. i know what i'm capable of and i'll do anything to achieve it. regardless, i still feel this stupid empty place in my heart knowing that i cannot touch and kiss you like i want. i wish you felt it too. i wish at least you knew how i felt, how truly alone i feel. and perhaps it's just me, being a lonely person and whatnot.
and maybe it's not. maybe you really did complete me. maybe you really were the key to my happiness. maybe your quirky personality and snide remarks were what balanced out my composure. maybe being stupid and laughing and kissing was really all i needed to get out of my shell. i don't know, maybe not.
i still don't want to be without you. it's funny, i can repeat to myself a thousand times that you're being stupid and acting like a whore but i still want to hear your voice. i still want to feel your lips on my nose and your fingers intertwined with mine. i want stand on that bridge again, not alone but with your arms around my waist and the sun shining in my hair. your lips brushing mine, and the corners of our mouths upturned into faint smiles.
maybe not. maybe i'll just have to smile at the memories and move on. but i don't really know how.
i want to. i wanna hate you so bad. you're stubborn and rude and a bit dim-witted at times but no matter how hard i try hating you seems impossible. you're still the same beautiful, funny, and sweet guy that i fell in love with two months ago. pffft, two months, it seems so pitiful, i know...but they were an incredible two months. and they really were, it wasn't some infatuation like any of my other relationships. it had depth and meaning and i was really glad i finally found something that made me feel invincible.
yea i know i should feel beautiful and intelligent all on my own and i do. i know what i'm capable of and i'll do anything to achieve it. regardless, i still feel this stupid empty place in my heart knowing that i cannot touch and kiss you like i want. i wish you felt it too. i wish at least you knew how i felt, how truly alone i feel. and perhaps it's just me, being a lonely person and whatnot.
and maybe it's not. maybe you really did complete me. maybe you really were the key to my happiness. maybe your quirky personality and snide remarks were what balanced out my composure. maybe being stupid and laughing and kissing was really all i needed to get out of my shell. i don't know, maybe not.
i still don't want to be without you. it's funny, i can repeat to myself a thousand times that you're being stupid and acting like a whore but i still want to hear your voice. i still want to feel your lips on my nose and your fingers intertwined with mine. i want stand on that bridge again, not alone but with your arms around my waist and the sun shining in my hair. your lips brushing mine, and the corners of our mouths upturned into faint smiles.
maybe not. maybe i'll just have to smile at the memories and move on. but i don't really know how.
Friday, December 2, 2011
Thursday, December 1, 2011
why.
why do you lie? why can't you just tell me the real reason you don't want me. you were just waiting to like her. you knew you wanted to, you wanted to like her so bad. she's pretty, she's smart, she's funny, and oh hot damn she's fucking ASIAN. throw her in the snow with a short skirt and long socks and you would choose her over me any day.
what hurts even fucking worse is that you know you're not going to get her. you know you don't have a chance in the world. but you threw me away anyway. thanks. that makes me feel beautiful and smart and everything that you said i was. but i'm not. i'm ugly, stupid, and not worth any guy's time. you got pissed at me whenever i said that but you proved me right.
fuck you.
what hurts even fucking worse is that you know you're not going to get her. you know you don't have a chance in the world. but you threw me away anyway. thanks. that makes me feel beautiful and smart and everything that you said i was. but i'm not. i'm ugly, stupid, and not worth any guy's time. you got pissed at me whenever i said that but you proved me right.
fuck you.
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