i feel like i know exactly who i am and yet at the same time, have no idea.

because now that i've rid myself of the toxic relationships i had, now that i've established my identity without suffering from codependency, the attraction and allure of you has multiplied exponentially. 

knowing who i am and what i want and where i want to go, and being so adamant about being who i am, has somehow amplified how i feel about you.

but is it even based in reality? have i drowned in nostalgia and now suffer from permanent rose-colored vision?

but you

just 

you

have me absolutely bewitched. 

every night i long for you. 

i see you in things.

you have

infiltrated

my

life

and i cannot make myself purge you.

perhaps not having the will to forget you is another codependency that i have yet to shed.

but how can i do that when your mere words, which often mean little, stir up passionate potential?

we could be this, or we could be that

we could be something

we could be a we

but it's not we. it's a you and an i, and that is the most painful knowledge.

because no matter what the future

holds,

it will never be a we.

i do not want a we

i want a you and an i.

but i want the you and the i to be a poem

and the poem to be sweet

and for the you to touch the i with absolute tenderness
and the you and the i to be warm

but the

 i is here and the 

you

is there.

and it seems that's how it is always going to be.

I knew a bird

Who was ever so small

But he left when it came fall

And I loved him so

But I let him go away

And I found myself lost

Lost

There's so much more for me to know

Than the wretched pains of a heartbroke soul

And the world was spinning all around me

When I took my heart and gave it to the bluejay

The bluejay

I thought I knew

All that I could about you

But you threw me down 

No heart, no crown 

and I tried to excuse the pain

But you shifted the blame

Spineless boy, weak excuse

You're a fool without a clue 

And There's so much more for me to know

Than the wretched pains of a heartbroke soul

And the world was spinning all around me

When I saw my heart trampled by some cruel jay

Some fool jay

You had me pegged

Down to a tee

Yea you took whatever you wanted from me

Cos hell! I'd let you

And blame myself

Wipe my tears 

And kissed your fucking ass

Your ugly fucking ass

And now I hate you and your mom too

Cos only fool would give birth to you 

I'm done with crying over birdshit

Thanks for the song

You're just metaphor practice

I took down everything that had to do with Gus and put it away. Moved all the pictures to a buried folder on my computer, and nothing about him on my phone. I don't really want constant reminders. 

Either way Gus was a huge part of my life , and I'm not gonna try to erase the good memories just because he's practically dead to me now. I'd rather pretend Gus is dead, anyway, then think about who he has become. It, at least, lifts away some of the distaste I have for him.

I'm not over it yet, obviously. But hopefully done crying.

Tell me what I did to you to deserve this 

I can't look at you without being disgusted

You're a self serving inexcusabley insensitive asshole and I still love you and it sucks.

The worst part about all of this is that you probably don't even care that you hurt me like you did.

You didn't apologize for doing it

You didn't apologize for ignoring me

You don't care, just because you've been  in college for a month. 

I should have seen it coming. I always date assholes.

just a PSA for all you ladies out there:

it does NOT matter how long you were together
does not matter if you had sex
does not matter if you were in love

if a guy is blatantly treating you like shit, drop him. I know you've probably tricked yourself into thinking that you need him, or that you've tried to make excuses for him, but he is not worth your pain. he is not worth your tears, your panic attacks, or the time you spent wondering if he'd text you back.

i know that nicholas sparks has tricked you into thinking that love will solve all of your problems, but it rarely does. you've got a whole life to live, and if you die alone, honestly who cares? i want to die knowing i lived the fuck out of my life and enjoyed it. i don't want my life to end unfulfilled because i spent it chasing the idea of love.

all you have to do honey is put love out into the world, and it will come back. don't go looking; it will find you.

i don't want to care anymore

i don't want to care if you don't
and i don't want to care if talking to me is a burden

i don't want to cry because of you anymore but i still will
i can't make it through the day without sobbing
just because you won't talk to me

you were my best friend and everything i cared about
and you're gone
completely
gone and i don't what i did wrong to make you hate me so much

my face burns so badly from crying
and you're probably happy without me

everyone is.

i've reached a point where you are not on my mind.

i've gotten to the point where the recollection of you doesn't stir regret or despair, and i feel better for that. you taught me nothing but how to love recklessly and hurt those who truly cared, and i feel that you were just another mine planted in my emotional and social battlefield. you let me forget about who was there for me all along; you listened and offered advice like any rational human being, but took advantage of my weakness for star-crossed love. i hurt the one who cared the most. i betrayed my best friend i hate that you just let me do that without a care. you took my shakespeare heart and ate it and i found myself trapped in your eyes your mind and your soul. i saw myself in you and i felt that perhaps two desperates make satisfaction, but all they make is heartbreak.

and your absence has made me become more of a woman for myself. i don't need anyone's emotional support; i can make it on my own. of course i will have my weak times but i am surrounded by positivity  and i have goals and ambitions without you.

so yea. piss off

Decisions

I think it may be time to sell my horse.

While I love him and his attitude to bits, I feel that our relationship has become strained and unnatural. My goals at the beginning of ownership have since changed drastically and I no longer feel that Valentino and I are a proper pair.

It is extremely painful to think about. I wish that i could keep him and visit with him whenever I wished but that's not fiscally responsible of me, especially when I'm not even the one taking care of the bills. To put that on my mother seems insensitive and irrational, and totally based in my fear and reluctance towards letting go of my first horse.

I know I've only owned him for about two years now, but I feel as if we are growing farther and farther apart as a result of time and growing distance between my home and the barns I have hopped between.

I know where I want to go with my future but that is also a reminder of the horse that makes me feel tied down due to my lack of genuine experience. I became a more level headed rider through getting to know my horse and he was like a shining diamond at the end of the tunnel when I was going through my major depressive episodes. Holding onto him, however, feels like I am still holding into the past. I no longer feel goal oriented in visiting the barn because I feel like my horse and I are never on the same page.

All of this is honestly so confusing because just a month ago I was relatively content with where I was with him, but now it all seems to have just become one big blur of sweltering summer misery as I try to convince him that I am a competent leader. I am trying very hard to think of this in the sense of the big picture, but the pattern I've observed is typically slight improvement, plateau, and then a plummet. It's a stressful way to live, especially in regards to a horse that if consider more friend than equine. I feel like the responsibility of owning and training a horse interferes with the way that I have come to perceive him, and it is discouraging to me as a horsewoman to see this degenerative pattern over time  and feel as if I am solely to blame, when in reality I am just in a period where everything is beginning to change drastically and the presence of my horse seems more of a chore to attend to rather than a passion.

I don't know if I will end up selling him. I want to, but at the same time I really am still very attached to a horse that has no respect  for me. I need to be rational in my decision making and compassionate and sensitive towards Valentino as I come to a decision. I feel as if my mind is already made up, but I will give myself time to chew over the thought. I will be strong and handle then process of sale myself, with whatever assistance is necessary, but most importantly I will remember everything that my friend deserves for what he has done for me. 

Sometimes life is rough and sometimes life is just a dump. Right now it's verging on dump. But I'll be okay. I'll get there.

I'm tired of faking being ok

I'm not

I am a piece of shit

i want

you to be in love with me
to be a little bit thinner
my skin to be clearer
my face to be slimmer
my confidence to be higher
to feel secure within this world i am entrapped in but i

don't know how to get to that point.

trying to define my self worth not based on the opinions and actions of others

trains

the first time i saw you
in the shadow of the train
under the moonlight
the soft patter of rain.

my hair was wet,
and i started shake
but stood there for hours
just to see your face.

i ran to see you closer
and i didn't expect
the reaction that i had,
the fact that i wept.

you were cold
but somehow still warm.
i fell into you
fell into your arms.


i think of it everyday when i wake, when sleep
perhaps one day it will be more than a dream.

love is not blind.

love is not blind.

love is an accumulate knowledge and judgment you have placed upon a person, the careful sifting and measuring out of each risk that you are taking. love is the deep study of subject matter to analyze it endlessly and constantly ask yourself "is it okay, is this person okay?" Love is the way you tell yourself not to think about them and the way you tell yourself not to look at those pictures because you cannot get hurt again. Love is the night you couldn't fall asleep because you didn't want to let go but it was all slipping away and all of the facts and probabilities and numbers and logic and rationality you had worked so hard to collect; they were gone.

you looked at him and your heart fluttered.

no, love is not blind.

feels like
everything is
falling apart and
slipping away

and it feels empty and
scary
but i don't
know what
to
do

Champion cannot be a real last name

Toss aside your inhibitions and

Fall in love

There's no time to

Think about it

or to not

To think of the time I need to wait
is to poison my own drink.
To think of the distance between us
is to lay my own bed with fleas.

It is a constant torture to know,
or to not
that perhaps we will never meet,
and I will no longer be distraught.

shitty attempt at trying to write like meg frampton

tastes like betrayal but
maybe it's the whiskey
babe i've gotten over that time

i send ya postcards
send ya flowers but
don't feel like a friend of mine

and i, i try
but there's so much more
on the other side

i don't know everything
but i know a lot
i got room in my heart
but in my brain i do not
don't go away from me now
now i thought i had you
thought i knew you
yea i thought you did too.

sailor moon

we held
hands
sunk in
the sands


sail away
sail, sail
wind, carry
sail, sail

set free
your soul
cut the anchor
you're whole

sail away
sail, sail
wind, carry
sail, sail

never planned
love
never speak
of

sail away
sail, sail
wind, carry
sail, sail

touch the
moon
don't forget
to tether your hot air balloon

sail away
sail, sail
wind, carry
my lover

to the moon

so i watched the documentary I Am

was recommended to me by someone over six months ago, kept putting it off

missed him today, so i watched it to distract me from my frustration

really good.

i'm trying to find the balance between my own happiness and helping others. i know that i need my own house in order before i can go out and really make a difference, but to what extent? i don't need to be rich or famous, i know that. but also, how do i change my mindset from that of a consumer to the mindset i seek, the mindset to be part of the whole picture rather than myself being the whole picture?

i plan on getting healthy (both physically and mentally), going organic, getting off of my medication (finally, plssss), educating myself, pursuing passions, and hopefully in the process i'll learn how to wean myself from the desire to consume more than i really need, while still fulfilling reasonable wants. i don't seek to sustain myself for the sole purpose of helping others, as it doesn't appeal to my mind right now, but i feel that if i get to a point where i'm able to limit my consumerist thought, that i may soon seek that. i do recognise that reward of helping others. i love gifting and doing kindnesses to those who need it, and i feel that if i put that positive energy out into the world, that it will be reciprocated at some point. even if it isn't, at least i had a positive impact on the world. helping others makes me very happy. i aim to do it much more.

Bon Iver is playing on the radio and

The roof of my mouth itches

So the room is really hot but

I'm still using the blanket

I really would like to talk to you, I'm 

Harboring a guilty infatuation

It's not right but

It's not really wrong

Don't let me let

You become another chapter in my life