we're fated to to REFLECT dununununununu

This time last year I'd just started out at Alamo and wasn't making very much money at all, taking whatever classes at whatever college for the fuck of it. This time two years ago, I was delivering pizzas and making decent money, but surrounded by a vacuum of ambition and slowly packing on pizza pounds. This time three years ago, I was drowning in anxiety and just wanted to stop everything despite doing the job I'd worked so hard towards. Now, I'm still at the theater, serving up greasy food to greasy people. Money has gotten better (still not great), living situation is the best it's ever been, and I just got back from my trip to Colorado with Simon.

Speaking of Simon: I feel like our relationship has been rocky and questionable sometimes, especially during the holidays last year when we weren't talking. Occasionally, when either one of us was at an emotional low, I've seriously questioned the validity of the relationship, and that's been so scary. How do you know when enough is enough? How do you know when to call it? But over the last couple of months, I've felt the slow climb of improvement on both ends. Our trip was one of my favorite experiences travelling that I've ever had, and even after spending a week solely with him, I still miss him now that he's at work and I'm at home.

Currently, I'm sitting on my couch before work, watching grav3yardgirl videos on YouTube and job searching "Horticulture" to see where I could possibly end up after I finish up this associate's program at NCTC. Indeed's search results are overwhelmingly cannabis heavy, and despite my minute interest in those jobs, an inkling of curiosity is growing into an inclination. Many of these positions are located in states near universities I'm interested in, and pay relatively well for the areas they're in. It's important to me to put myself in a position where I not only will be working in my field, but also somewhere where I'm comfortable and where I can springboard myself back into school whenever I'm ready for it.

Overall, there's much to think about, without a doubt. It's hard for me not to get ahead of myself and plan grandiose adventures or plans before it's even remotely possible to carry them out, but I just got back from vacation and after 24 hours at home, I'm already itching to move on again. For now, I plan to stay at Alamo and finish out school and an internship, and continue obsessively researching as I go.

A letter for Annie

Darling,
No one has to make you feel so sad
You are so beautiful
And so incredibly rad

You deserve what you work towards
You deserve all the best
Don’t subject yourself to those
Who make you feel any less

It is okay to be open
And okay to be soft
It’s okay to yield your heart
As long as it isn’t lost

You can always reclaim it
And feel the need to exclaim that
You were hurt, you were wronged
But in their life, they’ll just move on

And you will too
You’ll heal and you’ll grow
And the beauty you’ve yet to see
You’ll never fully know

Don’t yet, give up
For everyone knows
when the going gets tough
The tough tend to go

To a place where it’s smooth
Where voices don’t yell
About the things that you lack,
And how short that you fell

A reminder for me
In future heartbreak
That I am so worthy
Love,
Annie, from today

well

Here I am in a new place. I'm in a new room, it's all my own, the rent is cheap, and it's in a quieter area than before. The house is kind of old and dingy and I share the space with two dudes so it's not really well kept right now. I've been spending a lot of time shopping for things to make it nicer and easier to live in, and I really should avoid spending all of my money but making this place feel like a home is really the only thing keeping me going. I've been sleeping until 1 in the afternoon, which is normally something I'd hate, but here I am.

I don't want to be awake while I'm alone with myself. All that runs through my head is "maybe he'll change his mind," despite knowing that he probably won't. He missed me the first couple of days but he'll adjust and be happier without me, and that pains me to my core. I loved him unlike I've loved anyone else. I don't know if he couldn't see it or if he didn't want it. I don't know anything, and that uncertainty makes it all feel so much worse. I'm not excited or ambitious because I'm not confident. I'm not confident because I know nothing anymore. Not to say my reality was based around him, but loving someone like that has to become a huge part of you. There's no way it can't, and here I am.

I dreamed of him last night. I don't remember the narrative, or the context. But I remember his body. I remember his arms and his elbows and his warm skin. I remember his hair and running my fingers through it. I remember his stupid beautiful eyes and how much I'd love to stare into them right now. I remember his voice, how I felt it in my chest when he spoke to me. I remember his embrace and the way he looked at me when he fucked me. But now I'm awake, and here I am.

The only way I can describe how I feel is hurt. I feel so much pain that starts in my head and runs to my chest, like spilled kerosene falling into a lit lamp. I can't think, sometimes it feels like I can't breathe. I don't want to be alone. I want to be with you, I want to be wrapped in your arms and covered by your love and never have to fear feeling what I feel right now.

But here I am.

He said he was thinking about breaking up, and I’m sad and desperate

I’m lying in bed next to you

Both content but sad

I want you forever 

But life sucks and sometimes

People don’t feel the same way

I want to spend my nights next to you

Your warmth, your soft breath and snores 

I want to cling to you when the sun squeezes its rays through the 

blinds and

the books on the shelf

I want to watch you grow, and change, and thrive

I want to be by your side for my life 

But you don’t love me like I love you

I’m not what you wanted me to be and

I made you not what you wanted to be too

I am so scared, I feel like the cold tip of a 

Spear is pressed gingerly into my heart

I just want to reset back to a week ago

And convince you I’m worth holding onto 

I don’t want to pack 

I don’t want to mourn 

I just want you more than anything ever before 

I love you

Cw sad;

X

X

X

I constantly wonder what it's like to be neurotypical, as much as I hate the term. I hate labeling myself as someone with an anxiety disorder because I feel like there's so much more to me than that but it's eating away at who I am. I didn't ask to be born into an environment where stability was forced through screaming matches. I didn't ask for the everyone to call me fat and ugly when I went through puberty when I was nine. I didn't ask for my first boyfriend to force me to fuck him. I didn't ask for any of it and I have fought so hard to stay Annie but now everyone I meet calls me Anne and I don't have the courage to correct them. "Either is fine" because I don't know if either is even true anymore. 

Simon, and myself

I don't know what to draw upon right now. I've felt poetry in motion, and I don't know how to express it. I've felt the bite of an emotive song, but I've never regurgitated it back out. I used to be so fruitful, so energetic and committed to everything I've done, but now all I feel is caged in, emaciated, and broken.

But you fill me. Maybe that's why I swallow. Maybe it's symbolic of what you given to me. Nectar that has restored the little desire I have left. Without you, I cannot be me. Perhaps that's codependent, unhealthy, or any number of negative words. But you are so beautiful.

I am not a wilted ivy anymore. You've begun to nurture me, and my leaves are slowly regaining their rigidity and moisture. I've nested so long in clay and dry, depleted soil, but since meeting you I've found the richest bed I could ever imagine. 

But I am not vibrant. I am not healthy nor am I flowering. I am recovering. But I am not dead, and I will not give up on myself like the ivy on my windowsill. Nor will I give up on this. You and I are everything I have ever wanted in a garden. And as fragile as that beauty is, it is unmistakably ours. 

i miss everything about what we were. i miss your hands and your smile and your eyes and the way you smell. i want to wrap my arms around you and tell you i love you and pepper your stupid beautiful face with kisses. i want to watch you roll the blunt that we're about to smoke and i want to taste you on the roach. i want to feel like i'm soaring after we finish it and i want you to take me to your room and hold me under the covers while we watch some stupid shit like squidbillies but i'm never happier than in that moment. and i fucking miss you so much.