well

Here I am in a new place. I'm in a new room, it's all my own, the rent is cheap, and it's in a quieter area than before. The house is kind of old and dingy and I share the space with two dudes so it's not really well kept right now. I've been spending a lot of time shopping for things to make it nicer and easier to live in, and I really should avoid spending all of my money but making this place feel like a home is really the only thing keeping me going. I've been sleeping until 1 in the afternoon, which is normally something I'd hate, but here I am.

I don't want to be awake while I'm alone with myself. All that runs through my head is "maybe he'll change his mind," despite knowing that he probably won't. He missed me the first couple of days but he'll adjust and be happier without me, and that pains me to my core. I loved him unlike I've loved anyone else. I don't know if he couldn't see it or if he didn't want it. I don't know anything, and that uncertainty makes it all feel so much worse. I'm not excited or ambitious because I'm not confident. I'm not confident because I know nothing anymore. Not to say my reality was based around him, but loving someone like that has to become a huge part of you. There's no way it can't, and here I am.

I dreamed of him last night. I don't remember the narrative, or the context. But I remember his body. I remember his arms and his elbows and his warm skin. I remember his hair and running my fingers through it. I remember his stupid beautiful eyes and how much I'd love to stare into them right now. I remember his voice, how I felt it in my chest when he spoke to me. I remember his embrace and the way he looked at me when he fucked me. But now I'm awake, and here I am.

The only way I can describe how I feel is hurt. I feel so much pain that starts in my head and runs to my chest, like spilled kerosene falling into a lit lamp. I can't think, sometimes it feels like I can't breathe. I don't want to be alone. I want to be with you, I want to be wrapped in your arms and covered by your love and never have to fear feeling what I feel right now.

But here I am.