Some days, you just feel like shit, and that's okay. I think it's normal to have those days, because without them you wouldn't really notice the good ones. If someone else told me that, I would be irritated at how corny the sentiment is, but when you come around to that idea yourself it makes a lot more sense.

And sometimes you have a great night but then you wake up hungover as all hell because you told yourself you were done drinking, but then someone bought you a shot of tequila. You'd never actually done one before, so why not get that experience out of the way? Either way you're hungover and maybe nauseous or maybe just anxious, you can't really tell. You crawl out of bed and hang out in a hot shower for too long, then sit around thinking about how you don't really have any breakfast food in the house.

So you go to get breakfast, still feeling kind of gross but knowing that eating food will more than likely make things a lot better. You apologize for showing up 30 minutes before the restaurant closes and eat your sandwich as quickly as you can (which isn't very quickly at all) so you're not there past close. It's good.

As you were waiting on your food, reading the book you've had for a couple of months now, you decide that you need another book to act as the finish line for the one you're currently reading. You're so close! You can't wait to start something new.

You walk to the bookstore from the restaurant because it's nice outside. As you're walking the nausea creeps back up and your sinuses pulse with tension and you wonder if you'll have to struggle back to your car, vomiting all the way there. Why do these anxieties of being sick constantly creep back in? You walk past a girl talking to someone in a car and apologize for walking in between them and she says "oh you're fine!"

And in the subsequent moment you're flooded with the sweetness of knowing yourself. You think, "I shouldn't apologize for taking up space," and immediately think, "but I feel so comfortable being small." In that moment you want to cry. You spend so much time thinking and doing and thinking and doing that you can't breathe through the cloud of plans and expectations. Walking down the street with a cool breeze brushing through your unwashed hair, you forget them and remember you and feel okay.

Some days, you feel like shit. Other days, you feel on top of it all. But the gray days in between, with nothing going on and nothing to miss - those days are your favorite.

How can someone not love me after I did so much for them
Fuck your have fun with your new fucking friends that I held you back from
Asshole

two weeks ago i felt like everything was all together
i felt inspired, rested, loved
now i feel like i'm going somewhere but i feel like
the people i want to take with me are falling off of the train
as it runs down the track

i love you and i
desperately need you to be there for me
like i am for you

two weeks ago you said you were feeling great and now
you say you don't feel anything when i tell you i love you
do you know how that hurts to hear? are you aware or
are you caught up in what you're caught up in?

i'm not mad
i'm not resentful
i know that you're struggling
and i don't want to add to that

but i need something too and
i don't know if it's too much to ask
or if i'm being selfish

i just feel ugly
and flabby and boring
and i want to run away from it all
and forget that
connecting with people feels good

i like being alone
i don't hurt me any
more than anyone else does

idk

we're fated to to REFLECT dununununununu

This time last year I'd just started out at Alamo and wasn't making very much money at all, taking whatever classes at whatever college for the fuck of it. This time two years ago, I was delivering pizzas and making decent money, but surrounded by a vacuum of ambition and slowly packing on pizza pounds. This time three years ago, I was drowning in anxiety and just wanted to stop everything despite doing the job I'd worked so hard towards. Now, I'm still at the theater, serving up greasy food to greasy people. Money has gotten better (still not great), living situation is the best it's ever been, and I just got back from my trip to Colorado with Simon.

Speaking of Simon: I feel like our relationship has been rocky and questionable sometimes, especially during the holidays last year when we weren't talking. Occasionally, when either one of us was at an emotional low, I've seriously questioned the validity of the relationship, and that's been so scary. How do you know when enough is enough? How do you know when to call it? But over the last couple of months, I've felt the slow climb of improvement on both ends. Our trip was one of my favorite experiences travelling that I've ever had, and even after spending a week solely with him, I still miss him now that he's at work and I'm at home.

Currently, I'm sitting on my couch before work, watching grav3yardgirl videos on YouTube and job searching "Horticulture" to see where I could possibly end up after I finish up this associate's program at NCTC. Indeed's search results are overwhelmingly cannabis heavy, and despite my minute interest in those jobs, an inkling of curiosity is growing into an inclination. Many of these positions are located in states near universities I'm interested in, and pay relatively well for the areas they're in. It's important to me to put myself in a position where I not only will be working in my field, but also somewhere where I'm comfortable and where I can springboard myself back into school whenever I'm ready for it.

Overall, there's much to think about, without a doubt. It's hard for me not to get ahead of myself and plan grandiose adventures or plans before it's even remotely possible to carry them out, but I just got back from vacation and after 24 hours at home, I'm already itching to move on again. For now, I plan to stay at Alamo and finish out school and an internship, and continue obsessively researching as I go.

A letter for Annie

Darling,
No one has to make you feel so sad
You are so beautiful
And so incredibly rad

You deserve what you work towards
You deserve all the best
Don’t subject yourself to those
Who make you feel any less

It is okay to be open
And okay to be soft
It’s okay to yield your heart
As long as it isn’t lost

You can always reclaim it
And feel the need to exclaim that
You were hurt, you were wronged
But in their life, they’ll just move on

And you will too
You’ll heal and you’ll grow
And the beauty you’ve yet to see
You’ll never fully know

Don’t yet, give up
For everyone knows
when the going gets tough
The tough tend to go

To a place where it’s smooth
Where voices don’t yell
About the things that you lack,
And how short that you fell

A reminder for me
In future heartbreak
That I am so worthy
Love,
Annie, from today

well

Here I am in a new place. I'm in a new room, it's all my own, the rent is cheap, and it's in a quieter area than before. The house is kind of old and dingy and I share the space with two dudes so it's not really well kept right now. I've been spending a lot of time shopping for things to make it nicer and easier to live in, and I really should avoid spending all of my money but making this place feel like a home is really the only thing keeping me going. I've been sleeping until 1 in the afternoon, which is normally something I'd hate, but here I am.

I don't want to be awake while I'm alone with myself. All that runs through my head is "maybe he'll change his mind," despite knowing that he probably won't. He missed me the first couple of days but he'll adjust and be happier without me, and that pains me to my core. I loved him unlike I've loved anyone else. I don't know if he couldn't see it or if he didn't want it. I don't know anything, and that uncertainty makes it all feel so much worse. I'm not excited or ambitious because I'm not confident. I'm not confident because I know nothing anymore. Not to say my reality was based around him, but loving someone like that has to become a huge part of you. There's no way it can't, and here I am.

I dreamed of him last night. I don't remember the narrative, or the context. But I remember his body. I remember his arms and his elbows and his warm skin. I remember his hair and running my fingers through it. I remember his stupid beautiful eyes and how much I'd love to stare into them right now. I remember his voice, how I felt it in my chest when he spoke to me. I remember his embrace and the way he looked at me when he fucked me. But now I'm awake, and here I am.

The only way I can describe how I feel is hurt. I feel so much pain that starts in my head and runs to my chest, like spilled kerosene falling into a lit lamp. I can't think, sometimes it feels like I can't breathe. I don't want to be alone. I want to be with you, I want to be wrapped in your arms and covered by your love and never have to fear feeling what I feel right now.

But here I am.

He said he was thinking about breaking up, and I’m sad and desperate

I’m lying in bed next to you

Both content but sad

I want you forever 

But life sucks and sometimes

People don’t feel the same way

I want to spend my nights next to you

Your warmth, your soft breath and snores 

I want to cling to you when the sun squeezes its rays through the 

blinds and

the books on the shelf

I want to watch you grow, and change, and thrive

I want to be by your side for my life 

But you don’t love me like I love you

I’m not what you wanted me to be and

I made you not what you wanted to be too

I am so scared, I feel like the cold tip of a 

Spear is pressed gingerly into my heart

I just want to reset back to a week ago

And convince you I’m worth holding onto 

I don’t want to pack 

I don’t want to mourn 

I just want you more than anything ever before 

I love you