sailor moon

we held
hands
sunk in
the sands


sail away
sail, sail
wind, carry
sail, sail

set free
your soul
cut the anchor
you're whole

sail away
sail, sail
wind, carry
sail, sail

never planned
love
never speak
of

sail away
sail, sail
wind, carry
sail, sail

touch the
moon
don't forget
to tether your hot air balloon

sail away
sail, sail
wind, carry
my lover

to the moon

so i watched the documentary I Am

was recommended to me by someone over six months ago, kept putting it off

missed him today, so i watched it to distract me from my frustration

really good.

i'm trying to find the balance between my own happiness and helping others. i know that i need my own house in order before i can go out and really make a difference, but to what extent? i don't need to be rich or famous, i know that. but also, how do i change my mindset from that of a consumer to the mindset i seek, the mindset to be part of the whole picture rather than myself being the whole picture?

i plan on getting healthy (both physically and mentally), going organic, getting off of my medication (finally, plssss), educating myself, pursuing passions, and hopefully in the process i'll learn how to wean myself from the desire to consume more than i really need, while still fulfilling reasonable wants. i don't seek to sustain myself for the sole purpose of helping others, as it doesn't appeal to my mind right now, but i feel that if i get to a point where i'm able to limit my consumerist thought, that i may soon seek that. i do recognise that reward of helping others. i love gifting and doing kindnesses to those who need it, and i feel that if i put that positive energy out into the world, that it will be reciprocated at some point. even if it isn't, at least i had a positive impact on the world. helping others makes me very happy. i aim to do it much more.

Bon Iver is playing on the radio and

The roof of my mouth itches

So the room is really hot but

I'm still using the blanket

I really would like to talk to you, I'm 

Harboring a guilty infatuation

It's not right but

It's not really wrong

Don't let me let

You become another chapter in my life

You grow up taught manners and taught your code of ethics and taught your religion. You're taught what to wear, what not to wear, how to say things, how to make friends...you're taught to follow the rules yet taught to stand up for what you believe in. We've been conditioned our whole lives to trust wholly in those who do good for us, and to look down upon those who hurt us. But what happens when the tables turn and the good people become the bad? Who do you turn to when the figure in front of you who represents "everything good in the world" is killing you without a second thought, in the name of "what is right"? Who are you supposed to believe now, when the good in the world has turned to pain and the bad is simply forbidden? How are you expected to stay loyal to the good when all you can wonder is if it is good after all?

You don't. You run to the bad and you soak in all of its immediate pleasures. Uppers, downers, alcohol, self-harm, promiscuity, viciousness, gluttony, depression -- and you feel better. You feel better for running to the evil. But you feel betrayed by the good. How could the good raise you up so high only to break you down over and over again? How are you expected to get back up and try again when all you want is peace? Perhaps the evil does not provide solace, but at least it allows comfort. At least the sensuality of the "evil" allows you to want to continue living instead of the hell called "good".

But no one understands this.
They are scrubbed clean, all good.
They have no recollection of the evil.
All they know is that you are wrong.

i have never prided myself in religious or spiritual beliefs.

i have never felt the presence of something greater than myself calling to me. while i have totally and utterly opened myself up to such forces for them to show themselves, i simply have not encountered them.

i do harbor a certain sense of empathy.

to be in a large crowd of people who share a love for a god or for a purpose, can trigger my emotions, but it is not true to who i am, what i feel, and what i know.

and it leaves me feeling very, very lost, hopeless, and as if i don't belong. not desperate at this point, no. but the day will come when i am lying on the ground clutching my hands together wondering how i got there, and i will cry for someone to be there.

i always feel very, very alone in this world. regardless of how healthy or fulfilling my relationships are, i have always felt very separate from the goings on of life, as if observing others as animals, even. i try to learn people. i try to predict them. in doing this, i may stop them from their intended path and redirect them in a way that yields a better result for them. i don't do it because i am nice, or want to share with my joy with the world. i am not joyous. i am a very somber soul with no ambition but a huge, ambiguous sense of purpose.

but in all of my observations and analyses and theories and postulates and laws i have never once understood myself. perhaps this is a problem others have as well, but it's very troubling and disheartening and i know others perceive it as depression or anger or anxiety but it's simply that all of those things stem from my fear and lack of comprehension of my own emotions and spiritual dynamic.

thoughtsthoughtsthoughts

i feel like a ghost of myself.

do i really exist?

i have abandoned my physical being.

but how long until my presence dissipates?

do ghosts cry?

and in reality i can't even fathom losing you

i know you say it's not breaking up, just a break
but fuck that man. you know i'll be suicidal for weeks, then find someone else to get me out of it and think they're my world when all they do is just exist. you're the only long-term relationship i've had, well i guess actual commitment as opposed to fleeting romance for a month or two...but you know. i don't know. i guess it's harder to have to settle arguments and sometimes scrape up money to do something nice for you, but at the same time, it's comforting to hold you and kiss you every day and to go on little dates and go on big dates and dress up to see you...

i've grown so accustomed to your presence that it has become an integral part of my life. although i despise the monotony, i need structure and routine to keep me sane. my stupid psyche is too fucking fragile to handle anything, no matter how hard i try to man the fuck up. it sucks, to know that a tiny disturbance in our relationship could throw my whole life out of balance. i don't want that distress. i hate that i rely so much on you like i do, but i love you. what am i supposed to do?

and yet i know that i would adjust to your absence. a new routine would fill your space, and slowly you'd become a memory, a mere idea. it's a melancholy thought, to know that something so magnificent, yet so precious, could just be gone like that. and it's painful to know that it is the likely outcome of our love, and i don't know how to deal with that.

there was life before you, and there will be life after you, but it sure as hell is not the life i want.