i have never prided myself in religious or spiritual beliefs.

i have never felt the presence of something greater than myself calling to me. while i have totally and utterly opened myself up to such forces for them to show themselves, i simply have not encountered them.

i do harbor a certain sense of empathy.

to be in a large crowd of people who share a love for a god or for a purpose, can trigger my emotions, but it is not true to who i am, what i feel, and what i know.

and it leaves me feeling very, very lost, hopeless, and as if i don't belong. not desperate at this point, no. but the day will come when i am lying on the ground clutching my hands together wondering how i got there, and i will cry for someone to be there.

i always feel very, very alone in this world. regardless of how healthy or fulfilling my relationships are, i have always felt very separate from the goings on of life, as if observing others as animals, even. i try to learn people. i try to predict them. in doing this, i may stop them from their intended path and redirect them in a way that yields a better result for them. i don't do it because i am nice, or want to share with my joy with the world. i am not joyous. i am a very somber soul with no ambition but a huge, ambiguous sense of purpose.

but in all of my observations and analyses and theories and postulates and laws i have never once understood myself. perhaps this is a problem others have as well, but it's very troubling and disheartening and i know others perceive it as depression or anger or anxiety but it's simply that all of those things stem from my fear and lack of comprehension of my own emotions and spiritual dynamic.

thoughtsthoughtsthoughts