Some days, you just feel like shit, and that's okay. I think it's normal to have those days, because without them you wouldn't really notice the good ones. If someone else told me that, I would be irritated at how corny the sentiment is, but when you come around to that idea yourself it makes a lot more sense.
And sometimes you have a great night but then you wake up hungover as all hell because you told yourself you were done drinking, but then someone bought you a shot of tequila. You'd never actually done one before, so why not get that experience out of the way? Either way you're hungover and maybe nauseous or maybe just anxious, you can't really tell. You crawl out of bed and hang out in a hot shower for too long, then sit around thinking about how you don't really have any breakfast food in the house.
So you go to get breakfast, still feeling kind of gross but knowing that eating food will more than likely make things a lot better. You apologize for showing up 30 minutes before the restaurant closes and eat your sandwich as quickly as you can (which isn't very quickly at all) so you're not there past close. It's good.
As you were waiting on your food, reading the book you've had for a couple of months now, you decide that you need another book to act as the finish line for the one you're currently reading. You're so close! You can't wait to start something new.
You walk to the bookstore from the restaurant because it's nice outside. As you're walking the nausea creeps back up and your sinuses pulse with tension and you wonder if you'll have to struggle back to your car, vomiting all the way there. Why do these anxieties of being sick constantly creep back in? You walk past a girl talking to someone in a car and apologize for walking in between them and she says "oh you're fine!"
And in the subsequent moment you're flooded with the sweetness of knowing yourself. You think, "I shouldn't apologize for taking up space," and immediately think, "but I feel so comfortable being small." In that moment you want to cry. You spend so much time thinking and doing and thinking and doing that you can't breathe through the cloud of plans and expectations. Walking down the street with a cool breeze brushing through your unwashed hair, you forget them and remember you and feel okay.
Some days, you feel like shit. Other days, you feel on top of it all. But the gray days in between, with nothing going on and nothing to miss - those days are your favorite.
