Cw sad;

X

X

X

I constantly wonder what it's like to be neurotypical, as much as I hate the term. I hate labeling myself as someone with an anxiety disorder because I feel like there's so much more to me than that but it's eating away at who I am. I didn't ask to be born into an environment where stability was forced through screaming matches. I didn't ask for the everyone to call me fat and ugly when I went through puberty when I was nine. I didn't ask for my first boyfriend to force me to fuck him. I didn't ask for any of it and I have fought so hard to stay Annie but now everyone I meet calls me Anne and I don't have the courage to correct them. "Either is fine" because I don't know if either is even true anymore. 

Simon, and myself

I don't know what to draw upon right now. I've felt poetry in motion, and I don't know how to express it. I've felt the bite of an emotive song, but I've never regurgitated it back out. I used to be so fruitful, so energetic and committed to everything I've done, but now all I feel is caged in, emaciated, and broken.

But you fill me. Maybe that's why I swallow. Maybe it's symbolic of what you given to me. Nectar that has restored the little desire I have left. Without you, I cannot be me. Perhaps that's codependent, unhealthy, or any number of negative words. But you are so beautiful.

I am not a wilted ivy anymore. You've begun to nurture me, and my leaves are slowly regaining their rigidity and moisture. I've nested so long in clay and dry, depleted soil, but since meeting you I've found the richest bed I could ever imagine. 

But I am not vibrant. I am not healthy nor am I flowering. I am recovering. But I am not dead, and I will not give up on myself like the ivy on my windowsill. Nor will I give up on this. You and I are everything I have ever wanted in a garden. And as fragile as that beauty is, it is unmistakably ours. 

i miss everything about what we were. i miss your hands and your smile and your eyes and the way you smell. i want to wrap my arms around you and tell you i love you and pepper your stupid beautiful face with kisses. i want to watch you roll the blunt that we're about to smoke and i want to taste you on the roach. i want to feel like i'm soaring after we finish it and i want you to take me to your room and hold me under the covers while we watch some stupid shit like squidbillies but i'm never happier than in that moment. and i fucking miss you so much.

i feel like i know exactly who i am and yet at the same time, have no idea.

because now that i've rid myself of the toxic relationships i had, now that i've established my identity without suffering from codependency, the attraction and allure of you has multiplied exponentially. 

knowing who i am and what i want and where i want to go, and being so adamant about being who i am, has somehow amplified how i feel about you.

but is it even based in reality? have i drowned in nostalgia and now suffer from permanent rose-colored vision?

but you

just 

you

have me absolutely bewitched. 

every night i long for you. 

i see you in things.

you have

infiltrated

my

life

and i cannot make myself purge you.

perhaps not having the will to forget you is another codependency that i have yet to shed.

but how can i do that when your mere words, which often mean little, stir up passionate potential?

we could be this, or we could be that

we could be something

we could be a we

but it's not we. it's a you and an i, and that is the most painful knowledge.

because no matter what the future

holds,

it will never be a we.

i do not want a we

i want a you and an i.

but i want the you and the i to be a poem

and the poem to be sweet

and for the you to touch the i with absolute tenderness
and the you and the i to be warm

but the

 i is here and the 

you

is there.

and it seems that's how it is always going to be.

I knew a bird

Who was ever so small

But he left when it came fall

And I loved him so

But I let him go away

And I found myself lost

Lost

There's so much more for me to know

Than the wretched pains of a heartbroke soul

And the world was spinning all around me

When I took my heart and gave it to the bluejay

The bluejay

I thought I knew

All that I could about you

But you threw me down 

No heart, no crown 

and I tried to excuse the pain

But you shifted the blame

Spineless boy, weak excuse

You're a fool without a clue 

And There's so much more for me to know

Than the wretched pains of a heartbroke soul

And the world was spinning all around me

When I saw my heart trampled by some cruel jay

Some fool jay

You had me pegged

Down to a tee

Yea you took whatever you wanted from me

Cos hell! I'd let you

And blame myself

Wipe my tears 

And kissed your fucking ass

Your ugly fucking ass

And now I hate you and your mom too

Cos only fool would give birth to you 

I'm done with crying over birdshit

Thanks for the song

You're just metaphor practice

I took down everything that had to do with Gus and put it away. Moved all the pictures to a buried folder on my computer, and nothing about him on my phone. I don't really want constant reminders. 

Either way Gus was a huge part of my life , and I'm not gonna try to erase the good memories just because he's practically dead to me now. I'd rather pretend Gus is dead, anyway, then think about who he has become. It, at least, lifts away some of the distaste I have for him.

I'm not over it yet, obviously. But hopefully done crying.

Tell me what I did to you to deserve this