You grow up taught manners and taught your code of ethics and taught your religion. You're taught what to wear, what not to wear, how to say things, how to make friends...you're taught to follow the rules yet taught to stand up for what you believe in. We've been conditioned our whole lives to trust wholly in those who do good for us, and to look down upon those who hurt us. But what happens when the tables turn and the good people become the bad? Who do you turn to when the figure in front of you who represents "everything good in the world" is killing you without a second thought, in the name of "what is right"? Who are you supposed to believe now, when the good in the world has turned to pain and the bad is simply forbidden? How are you expected to stay loyal to the good when all you can wonder is if it is good after all?

You don't. You run to the bad and you soak in all of its immediate pleasures. Uppers, downers, alcohol, self-harm, promiscuity, viciousness, gluttony, depression -- and you feel better. You feel better for running to the evil. But you feel betrayed by the good. How could the good raise you up so high only to break you down over and over again? How are you expected to get back up and try again when all you want is peace? Perhaps the evil does not provide solace, but at least it allows comfort. At least the sensuality of the "evil" allows you to want to continue living instead of the hell called "good".

But no one understands this.
They are scrubbed clean, all good.
They have no recollection of the evil.
All they know is that you are wrong.

i have never prided myself in religious or spiritual beliefs.

i have never felt the presence of something greater than myself calling to me. while i have totally and utterly opened myself up to such forces for them to show themselves, i simply have not encountered them.

i do harbor a certain sense of empathy.

to be in a large crowd of people who share a love for a god or for a purpose, can trigger my emotions, but it is not true to who i am, what i feel, and what i know.

and it leaves me feeling very, very lost, hopeless, and as if i don't belong. not desperate at this point, no. but the day will come when i am lying on the ground clutching my hands together wondering how i got there, and i will cry for someone to be there.

i always feel very, very alone in this world. regardless of how healthy or fulfilling my relationships are, i have always felt very separate from the goings on of life, as if observing others as animals, even. i try to learn people. i try to predict them. in doing this, i may stop them from their intended path and redirect them in a way that yields a better result for them. i don't do it because i am nice, or want to share with my joy with the world. i am not joyous. i am a very somber soul with no ambition but a huge, ambiguous sense of purpose.

but in all of my observations and analyses and theories and postulates and laws i have never once understood myself. perhaps this is a problem others have as well, but it's very troubling and disheartening and i know others perceive it as depression or anger or anxiety but it's simply that all of those things stem from my fear and lack of comprehension of my own emotions and spiritual dynamic.

thoughtsthoughtsthoughts

i feel like a ghost of myself.

do i really exist?

i have abandoned my physical being.

but how long until my presence dissipates?

do ghosts cry?

and in reality i can't even fathom losing you

i know you say it's not breaking up, just a break
but fuck that man. you know i'll be suicidal for weeks, then find someone else to get me out of it and think they're my world when all they do is just exist. you're the only long-term relationship i've had, well i guess actual commitment as opposed to fleeting romance for a month or two...but you know. i don't know. i guess it's harder to have to settle arguments and sometimes scrape up money to do something nice for you, but at the same time, it's comforting to hold you and kiss you every day and to go on little dates and go on big dates and dress up to see you...

i've grown so accustomed to your presence that it has become an integral part of my life. although i despise the monotony, i need structure and routine to keep me sane. my stupid psyche is too fucking fragile to handle anything, no matter how hard i try to man the fuck up. it sucks, to know that a tiny disturbance in our relationship could throw my whole life out of balance. i don't want that distress. i hate that i rely so much on you like i do, but i love you. what am i supposed to do?

and yet i know that i would adjust to your absence. a new routine would fill your space, and slowly you'd become a memory, a mere idea. it's a melancholy thought, to know that something so magnificent, yet so precious, could just be gone like that. and it's painful to know that it is the likely outcome of our love, and i don't know how to deal with that.

there was life before you, and there will be life after you, but it sure as hell is not the life i want.

what

i'm so fucking done
all my parents do is fight
my horse is a piece of shit
i haven't spoken to my boyfriend since i don't fucking know
at this point i'm beyond dejected and just fucking done

what the fuck

like what the fuck

i don't want you anymore, but i want you in my life. and it's only because it's summer, because i'm nostalgic, because stupid ass reasons. i don't need you nor should i want you, but i can't help but remember what was lost because of you. and it makes me mad. i didn't deserve the pain and i don't deserve the stupid shit like this that seeing your name puts me through. i shouldn't have to worry about you.

how can you be so perfect on the surface, yet so wrong?
i don't understand.

listening to avril lavigne tonight has made me reflect a great deal on my life.

I never realized how much my interests and experiences have shaped and defined me as a person. I can't even write anymore...but I feel this way.