i've reached a point where you are not on my mind.

i've gotten to the point where the recollection of you doesn't stir regret or despair, and i feel better for that. you taught me nothing but how to love recklessly and hurt those who truly cared, and i feel that you were just another mine planted in my emotional and social battlefield. you let me forget about who was there for me all along; you listened and offered advice like any rational human being, but took advantage of my weakness for star-crossed love. i hurt the one who cared the most. i betrayed my best friend i hate that you just let me do that without a care. you took my shakespeare heart and ate it and i found myself trapped in your eyes your mind and your soul. i saw myself in you and i felt that perhaps two desperates make satisfaction, but all they make is heartbreak.

and your absence has made me become more of a woman for myself. i don't need anyone's emotional support; i can make it on my own. of course i will have my weak times but i am surrounded by positivity  and i have goals and ambitions without you.

so yea. piss off

Decisions

I think it may be time to sell my horse.

While I love him and his attitude to bits, I feel that our relationship has become strained and unnatural. My goals at the beginning of ownership have since changed drastically and I no longer feel that Valentino and I are a proper pair.

It is extremely painful to think about. I wish that i could keep him and visit with him whenever I wished but that's not fiscally responsible of me, especially when I'm not even the one taking care of the bills. To put that on my mother seems insensitive and irrational, and totally based in my fear and reluctance towards letting go of my first horse.

I know I've only owned him for about two years now, but I feel as if we are growing farther and farther apart as a result of time and growing distance between my home and the barns I have hopped between.

I know where I want to go with my future but that is also a reminder of the horse that makes me feel tied down due to my lack of genuine experience. I became a more level headed rider through getting to know my horse and he was like a shining diamond at the end of the tunnel when I was going through my major depressive episodes. Holding onto him, however, feels like I am still holding into the past. I no longer feel goal oriented in visiting the barn because I feel like my horse and I are never on the same page.

All of this is honestly so confusing because just a month ago I was relatively content with where I was with him, but now it all seems to have just become one big blur of sweltering summer misery as I try to convince him that I am a competent leader. I am trying very hard to think of this in the sense of the big picture, but the pattern I've observed is typically slight improvement, plateau, and then a plummet. It's a stressful way to live, especially in regards to a horse that if consider more friend than equine. I feel like the responsibility of owning and training a horse interferes with the way that I have come to perceive him, and it is discouraging to me as a horsewoman to see this degenerative pattern over time  and feel as if I am solely to blame, when in reality I am just in a period where everything is beginning to change drastically and the presence of my horse seems more of a chore to attend to rather than a passion.

I don't know if I will end up selling him. I want to, but at the same time I really am still very attached to a horse that has no respect  for me. I need to be rational in my decision making and compassionate and sensitive towards Valentino as I come to a decision. I feel as if my mind is already made up, but I will give myself time to chew over the thought. I will be strong and handle then process of sale myself, with whatever assistance is necessary, but most importantly I will remember everything that my friend deserves for what he has done for me. 

Sometimes life is rough and sometimes life is just a dump. Right now it's verging on dump. But I'll be okay. I'll get there.

I'm tired of faking being ok

I'm not

I am a piece of shit

i want

you to be in love with me
to be a little bit thinner
my skin to be clearer
my face to be slimmer
my confidence to be higher
to feel secure within this world i am entrapped in but i

don't know how to get to that point.

trying to define my self worth not based on the opinions and actions of others

trains

the first time i saw you
in the shadow of the train
under the moonlight
the soft patter of rain.

my hair was wet,
and i started shake
but stood there for hours
just to see your face.

i ran to see you closer
and i didn't expect
the reaction that i had,
the fact that i wept.

you were cold
but somehow still warm.
i fell into you
fell into your arms.


i think of it everyday when i wake, when sleep
perhaps one day it will be more than a dream.