and in reality i can't even fathom losing you

i know you say it's not breaking up, just a break
but fuck that man. you know i'll be suicidal for weeks, then find someone else to get me out of it and think they're my world when all they do is just exist. you're the only long-term relationship i've had, well i guess actual commitment as opposed to fleeting romance for a month or two...but you know. i don't know. i guess it's harder to have to settle arguments and sometimes scrape up money to do something nice for you, but at the same time, it's comforting to hold you and kiss you every day and to go on little dates and go on big dates and dress up to see you...

i've grown so accustomed to your presence that it has become an integral part of my life. although i despise the monotony, i need structure and routine to keep me sane. my stupid psyche is too fucking fragile to handle anything, no matter how hard i try to man the fuck up. it sucks, to know that a tiny disturbance in our relationship could throw my whole life out of balance. i don't want that distress. i hate that i rely so much on you like i do, but i love you. what am i supposed to do?

and yet i know that i would adjust to your absence. a new routine would fill your space, and slowly you'd become a memory, a mere idea. it's a melancholy thought, to know that something so magnificent, yet so precious, could just be gone like that. and it's painful to know that it is the likely outcome of our love, and i don't know how to deal with that.

there was life before you, and there will be life after you, but it sure as hell is not the life i want.

what

i'm so fucking done
all my parents do is fight
my horse is a piece of shit
i haven't spoken to my boyfriend since i don't fucking know
at this point i'm beyond dejected and just fucking done

what the fuck

like what the fuck

i don't want you anymore, but i want you in my life. and it's only because it's summer, because i'm nostalgic, because stupid ass reasons. i don't need you nor should i want you, but i can't help but remember what was lost because of you. and it makes me mad. i didn't deserve the pain and i don't deserve the stupid shit like this that seeing your name puts me through. i shouldn't have to worry about you.

how can you be so perfect on the surface, yet so wrong?
i don't understand.

listening to avril lavigne tonight has made me reflect a great deal on my life.

I never realized how much my interests and experiences have shaped and defined me as a person. I can't even write anymore...but I feel this way.

i cant even blog my feelings
ive stifled it so long it wont come out

help me help me help me help me help me help me
i dont know what to do
help
i think about dying and i think about where i want to be and i dont want to die
but i sure as hell dont want to live
help me help me
help

who am i

every time i write i block
every day i wake up i dread it
i feel dead