Thursday, April 5, 2012

so i thought of something

something someone else has probably already put down in words.
on paper.
probably already inked it into society somewhere. but whatever. i don't care. i'm writing this down because i'm a fucking boss. but not really. anyway.

so i've been trying really hard lately to just be happy. and at times it's easier than others. i have high tides in my life, and low tides, and right now i'm trying not to drown in high tide. the current is sucking me in, away from shore, and all i can do is fight it. i swear, it takes the life out of me. it really does. yesterday, after i got out of the bath, i had to lay on the floor for all of five minutes because when i tried to walk, i got dizzy and nauseous.

and i guess that's what life is. you just keep swimming, through the rough waves and the calm ones. sometimes you float, but sometimes you have to chop through the water to save your life. sharks chase you, you're stupid enough to touch a jellyfish and have to piss on it--but other times it's okay. you see the beauty of the ocean. the coral reefs, the dolphins, the turtles, the immensity of the thing.

and maybe it's worth it. because without those storms, without the red tides and the rip currents, these little fish, these immense gray whales and the way the sun bends and refracts through the blue water would be nothing. we wouldn't be able to appreciate, would we? because if that was all we knew, we'd never truly grasp how beautiful and amazing it was.

but what do i know. i'm just one tiny shrimp in the great big ocean.

The invention of the ship
was also the invention of the shipwreck.

fuck.

i don't WANT to be depressed.

but shit's inevitable.

Sunday, April 1, 2012

I'd say I was depressed but that would be a lie. I'd say I was happy but that would be a lie too. I'd say I was in love with you, but I don't think I want to be

Friday, March 30, 2012

i love you.

i love you
i love you
i love you
i love you
i love you
i love you
i love you
i love you
i love you
i love you
i love you
i love you
i love you

i love you
i love you
i love you
i love you
i love you
i love you
i love you
i love you
i love you
i love you
i love you
i love you
i love you
i love you

i love you
i love you
i love you
i love you
i love you
i love you
i love you
i love you
i love you
i love you
i love you
i love you
i love you
i love you


so why can't i just have you?

Monday, March 26, 2012

falling through.

sometimes I imagine a place
where I run, where I crawl
but I never seem to get hurt
and I see the bees, hide under the trees
and the flowers smile at me

and I, get by, anyway
I'm okay, for now

cuz I never think of you
in my-y-y paradise
but everything comes to an end
and tragedy starts to descend

[chorus]
was I everything that you needed
everything that you ever asked for?
every place that you could run to?
the only question: did I love you?


sometimes I get so scared
my senses, my judgement impaired
and the fire eats, away at the trees
the birds screaming "help me".

and I, I cry, anyway,
not okay
and the flowers, the flowers,
they burn.

in my-y-y paradise.

[chorus]

could I have been any better
was there anything I could do?
everything is burning down
everything is falling through...

falling through...

goodbye, sunshine
goodbye, light in life
goodbye, everything
goodbye, darling [2x]

darling...

[chorus 2x]

you are everything I ever needed
everything that I could ask for
every place that I could run to
honey it's no question...I love you...

I love you...

that I love you.

Thursday, March 22, 2012

Dear (ex)boyfriend,

Uhm, I think you count as my boyfriend. I mean we act like it anyway. I can't like...haha, I think it's funny how we ended up together after all of the shit we did to each other. I know people think you're stupid and I'm stupid for dating you, but you're really not. You may act ridiculous, but you're so smart and you have a huge heart and why, have I made a rhyme? I love you so much, at least I think I do, and I'm happy to have you back in my life. We've been weird lately but I think we'll be fine, and if we're not, life goes on. But I will never, ever, EVER, forget YOU ♥

Saturday, March 17, 2012

I'm going to be honest.

this week has probably been one of the most amazing of my life.

I spent my mornings eating breakfast in a quaint little kitchen, my noons tanning & swimming at the beach, and my evenings eating lovely dinners cooked by my family. My Tuesday was dedicated to fishing with an attractive skipper thirty miles into the Gulf, and our dinner of mackerel, kingfish, and grunt was rather gratifying. Of course shopping on Wednesday was fun -- when is shopping not fun? -- and I love gelato. The aquarium was adorable, as always, and the manatees were pretty much the most adorable thing on that trip. Swimming at my grandma's while an old leathery lady was tanning was awkward, but fun. I hate getting chlorine up my nose. And though Friday was uneventful, it was nice.

But the best part of this week were the nights. I stayed up late, until I couldn't keep my eyes open anymore, talking to him. Love? Maybe, but it doesn't really matter. It means a lot that I can stay up talking to someone, finally. It's been so long since I felt this closeness with someone. I don't know if four months is a long time in everyone's eyes but it was a slow four months, and I'm glad that they're behind me. Finally I have someone to look forward to. I don't feel so lost.

Maybe this spring break was the start of something really big.

"A very small degree of hope is sufficient to cause the birth of love."
-Stendhal
Kings and Queens -- 30 Seconds to Mars