It started to feel real tonight

I always wonder if you feel the same

lmao

 I'm really glad that things are going the way they are going, but holy shit I'm so distracted. You slipped your way into my thoughts and every time I start to focus on one thing, you dance around it and I remember the hours we spent together. And suddenly that's all I want to think about. There's so much to do, but my brain doesn't care anymore.

I mean, I care. I want to get things done and be able to focus on them without the struggle of thinking about kissing you. I want to be able to work on this stupid fucking project without stopping to daydream about how closely you held me. I'm begging my mind to think about jujubes instead of how little I felt like I needed anything else in those moments.

It feels weird to feel these things so intensely again. I'm having a really hard time just enjoying it instead of feeling guilty for being so into you. I think about the mistakes I made in my past and I'm so averse to repeating them that I can't stop thinking of ways to invalidate my own feelings. I just think way too much.

But it felt good to see those feelings reflected in your eyes. It felt good to know you didn't want to me to leave when I didn't want to leave either. I want to feel those feelings with you. I want to share that pain with you and then feel the way I felt two nights ago over and over again. I'm a little obsessed with you and I want that to be okay.

I kind of hate that I know what it's like to kiss you now. I'm tortured. Not sure if I'll survive this one.

It’s been

 5 days
Since I accepted the way I feel and
Now
I wonder why I did.

Now I can’t stop thinking about
How
That made me feel.

I felt really good,
Like
Confident again.

I see I find myself in other people
Now
Too.

And so why is it that
When
I feel for one differently, I can’t?

Is this my fault or is it
Something
I can’t control?

Do I feel sad just yet
Or
Do I let it go?

I feel sad
I want to let it go
I wanted something different from this
But
Is that not the truth? 

It’s okay, I guess 

It’s 

Okay.

 I cannot stop having feelings

I don't like that I realized I have a crush on someone

It's really a lot to handle for me

I don't know how to approach it

If I should?

Should I just wait?

All I can think is

please like me 

please like me

please like me

But I don't even know why

We just laugh at the same dumb thing

Does that mean anything?

I feel like it doesn't

But the feelings don't go away

and I'm not really sure why

I wish I could just say something

or do something

or literally anything

that wouldn't make me feel so trapped in my own feelings

But I don't feel like saying something is the right action to take

Not just yet, anyway

I should know how I feel

and why I feel that way, right?

Or do I simply trust my feelings?

i don't know

i don't know

i don't know

haha

why does blogger look like this now lmao

 I'm nearing the end of my employment at the lake

And I don't recall every really feeling this way before

I know I should be worried about money, or work but I just am not.

I'm feeling an overwhelming amount of self interest and self inspiration lately. I'm not all that great, in the grand scheme of things or whatever. But I've been spending time with people whose lives have shown me that there is great value in a self-interested lifestyle. I've been inspired to create a living space that inspires me and that I look forward to returning to. I feel reinvigorated to create things, whatever form they may take. I feel a deep-seated desire to introspect and to learn from myself and my body.

My friend recently remarked upon the thought that our brain is not just the brain in our heads, but our whole body. The entire nervous system exists to serve our perception. The thought of being an operator that is wholly one with its fleshy mecha, a brain to the body of the heart. I am a giant brain. My existence feels both fleeting and entirely important at once.

I'm grateful for how this summer has shaped me. I've had opportunities to learn, grow, and challenge myself. The world and her circumstances have forced me to look at myself and remind myself of the existence I want live and model. I want to help people, even if that means carving or helping carve a path that wasn't there before. I'm inspired by other people and the communities that we can create.

I want to absorb and create. If I am a giant brain, I may as well be a single giant cell, ideas permeating and then leaving my walls, changed by my own reality. I want to live like everyone imagines artists living, but then again, who doesn't?

I know this opportunity is a slim window of my life I'll have to catch up before "survival" demands more from me. To seize this moment and breathe in and out without a second thought is to nourish a voracious part of me.

march-april-may-june

I've been feeling very uncertain lately. I don't think that this is a feeling unique to me by any means, and I'll admit that I blame the pandemic for the change in mood. I don't hate staying home all day, but instead the eerie feeling of going out. I shoulder the burden of guilt before I leave my house, and my anxieties trail and nip ankles with every step. And like everyone else, I get bored of it.

As of recently I've been thinking a lot about the implications of what's happening. It's hard to keep thinking about it from a societal perspective; it often leaves me experiencing feeling inspired and powerless at the same time. So I bring it down and think about what I can do, focus on me. I can finish school and work in fields that I'm interested in or passionate about. And there's a notable freedom in not having plans, not tying myself to anything, knowing that there's an end to everything. But I still feel shackled to this feeling of needing a purpose or reason to keep going and that's what has been upsetting me lately.

I think about Simon a lot and I don't know why. I want to talk to him again but I can't bring myself to text him because I have no reason to. It feels wrong to casually approach the conversation with no purpose. I know if I talk to him again he will drag me down again. I love him and admire him so much, but he has so much hurt inside of him that just leaks out and stains me. I wish it didn't.

I want to do nothing. After I graduate I plan to have no plans. I've acted with ambition in mind for the past three years and I'm tired. I guess some people can work hard for a longer period of time, but I'm tired. I want to lay in my bed until I'm hungry enough to get up. I want to fill my belly with delicious food and drink, and lay under a tree in the hot summer and watch its leaves trace the breeze that blows through it until I don't want to anymore. I want to experience art and the community that it creates. I want to feel the strands of someone else's reality intertwine into mine. I want to weep and shed the feelings that have hung like weights from every inch of my skin.

And at the same time I don't want to just quit what I'm doing. I know before this period of my life I felt incapable of finishing anything, and I hate to think of feeling like that again. So I want to finish my degree, and perhaps set a few goals for the next few years. But I have to stop fantasizing about what my life will look like to the point of it manifesting itself into a plan I didn't realize I'd made. I need to surrender to the day to day and accept where I have ended up. Every day has felt like a grind and I need to forget this feeling for a while.

I know I'm probably experiencing some amount of depression and I'm trying to keep that in mind when I have thoughts that trouble me. I know I want to let go of something big, and in time I'm sure I'll see what that is.

Damn I’m fuckin horny