it doesn't feel like i am allowed to be sad right now

but i am and drinking and being awake alone just made it worse

i'm happy but

there's still so much to be sad about

most of the time, i feel okay

and now that i'm working i feel

autonomous again

but no matter what i do with my life

the sad finds its way back in

through the cracks where i've allowed myself to 

be happy.

i want someone to comfort me

and to tell me i'll be okay

but i know that doesn't make the sad 

less sad

so why do i want it so bad?

i guess i'm allowed to let this situation upset me

but i just want to understand why it does

It feels very real now

 I am waiting to tell you I love you 

And I think the planets are making me feel it so deeply

You are beautiful and you make me 

want to make you happy again 

and again.

Every time you smile,

It feels good.

Every time you laugh,

It feels good.

You are so cool

And you make me feel cool too.

 It started to feel real tonight

I always wonder if you feel the same

lmao

 I'm really glad that things are going the way they are going, but holy shit I'm so distracted. You slipped your way into my thoughts and every time I start to focus on one thing, you dance around it and I remember the hours we spent together. And suddenly that's all I want to think about. There's so much to do, but my brain doesn't care anymore.

I mean, I care. I want to get things done and be able to focus on them without the struggle of thinking about kissing you. I want to be able to work on this stupid fucking project without stopping to daydream about how closely you held me. I'm begging my mind to think about jujubes instead of how little I felt like I needed anything else in those moments.

It feels weird to feel these things so intensely again. I'm having a really hard time just enjoying it instead of feeling guilty for being so into you. I think about the mistakes I made in my past and I'm so averse to repeating them that I can't stop thinking of ways to invalidate my own feelings. I just think way too much.

But it felt good to see those feelings reflected in your eyes. It felt good to know you didn't want to me to leave when I didn't want to leave either. I want to feel those feelings with you. I want to share that pain with you and then feel the way I felt two nights ago over and over again. I'm a little obsessed with you and I want that to be okay.

I kind of hate that I know what it's like to kiss you now. I'm tortured. Not sure if I'll survive this one.

It’s been

 5 days
Since I accepted the way I feel and
Now
I wonder why I did.

Now I can’t stop thinking about
How
That made me feel.

I felt really good,
Like
Confident again.

I see I find myself in other people
Now
Too.

And so why is it that
When
I feel for one differently, I can’t?

Is this my fault or is it
Something
I can’t control?

Do I feel sad just yet
Or
Do I let it go?

I feel sad
I want to let it go
I wanted something different from this
But
Is that not the truth? 

It’s okay, I guess 

It’s 

Okay.

 I cannot stop having feelings

I don't like that I realized I have a crush on someone

It's really a lot to handle for me

I don't know how to approach it

If I should?

Should I just wait?

All I can think is

please like me 

please like me

please like me

But I don't even know why

We just laugh at the same dumb thing

Does that mean anything?

I feel like it doesn't

But the feelings don't go away

and I'm not really sure why

I wish I could just say something

or do something

or literally anything

that wouldn't make me feel so trapped in my own feelings

But I don't feel like saying something is the right action to take

Not just yet, anyway

I should know how I feel

and why I feel that way, right?

Or do I simply trust my feelings?

i don't know

i don't know

i don't know

haha

why does blogger look like this now lmao

 I'm nearing the end of my employment at the lake

And I don't recall every really feeling this way before

I know I should be worried about money, or work but I just am not.

I'm feeling an overwhelming amount of self interest and self inspiration lately. I'm not all that great, in the grand scheme of things or whatever. But I've been spending time with people whose lives have shown me that there is great value in a self-interested lifestyle. I've been inspired to create a living space that inspires me and that I look forward to returning to. I feel reinvigorated to create things, whatever form they may take. I feel a deep-seated desire to introspect and to learn from myself and my body.

My friend recently remarked upon the thought that our brain is not just the brain in our heads, but our whole body. The entire nervous system exists to serve our perception. The thought of being an operator that is wholly one with its fleshy mecha, a brain to the body of the heart. I am a giant brain. My existence feels both fleeting and entirely important at once.

I'm grateful for how this summer has shaped me. I've had opportunities to learn, grow, and challenge myself. The world and her circumstances have forced me to look at myself and remind myself of the existence I want live and model. I want to help people, even if that means carving or helping carve a path that wasn't there before. I'm inspired by other people and the communities that we can create.

I want to absorb and create. If I am a giant brain, I may as well be a single giant cell, ideas permeating and then leaving my walls, changed by my own reality. I want to live like everyone imagines artists living, but then again, who doesn't?

I know this opportunity is a slim window of my life I'll have to catch up before "survival" demands more from me. To seize this moment and breathe in and out without a second thought is to nourish a voracious part of me.